Brothers

These two's souls speak to each other.  The other night Brahm wasn't feeling the best (he hurt) and it was time for Griffen to go to sleep, so they both crawled into my bed and this is what I found.  I HAD to grab my big camera and not wanting to wake them up I bumped the ISO all the way up to 1600 and

wait for it

wait for it!

I moved the little button I had once seen on the side

from Auto focus to MANUAL focus!

(cuz the stinking camera couldn't focus with only the light from the TV behind me)

I also learned I probably need some stronger contacts because I would focus snap, look at the back 

(I'm blind as a bat as it is LOL!)

BUT I love how these came out.

And for you photography folks give me your opinion on the big bed one - it isn't in 1/3's but I loved the look of the expansiveness of the bed compared to my 2 little dwarfs LOL!

The Alter

This journey we have been on has been one of great blessings and of great change.  Little Griffen has been such a jewel but oh does God use this little guy to dispel all of those horrid impressions people have of adoption.  He is like a fisherman - reeling the ladies in like a master.

Anyhow, because he is so easy and so good we recently started Bible Study Fellowship   I know for a fact this is exactly where I need to be right now.  I have several very good friends who love my children in the child care center.  Anyhow, little man comes with me for half the time, and then I get an hour with him safely being loved on by my friends (and his biggest champions) just down the hall.

Anyhow, this hour by myself allows me to listen to the lesson and reflect without the fog that comes with ensuring my little angel is not getting into trouble.

BSF is doing the book of Genesis this year - I know ugh right - yeah not so much.  I have learned so much from the lessons I have done and they relate to me EVERY single week - gotta love when God is right there.

SO this week was about when Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be sacrificed - his single ONLY precious child, his legacy and the fulfillment of his promise.

AS the lecture went on I was hit by a freight train.

The most interesting dichotomy of adoption in bringing a new child into ones home.  When people are pregnant ALL they hope for is a healthy child.  However, there is a huge a group of people - ordinary ones with no special training, who specifically seek out children who have special needs, some with incredibly great needs.

The light bulb moment.

We all welcome children into our lives knowing within months we will have to place that child upon the alter just as Abraham was asked to place his beloved son on the alter.

We could just love these new children never seeking the treatment that has so far been withheld from them but we have promised to provide them with the best medical care.   This also requires us to place our child on the proverbial alter AND trusting God to return our child back to us.

With each new child, each surgery and hospital stay I see people in the adoption community rally around these extraordinary parents, sending words of love, prayer and thanksgiving.  Holding their children close and cherishing the incredibleness of life.

SUnday Snapshot - NiBa

We have another undie - wearer in our house!!

Our poor little guy wears 9 month pants - he is SHORT!

His parents on the other hand are stupid!

He kept saying NiBA

We kept thinking Daddy - which is Baba

or Bottle - which is baba

Yeah apparently, Niba is and older term for Nan-ya-ba (potty)

So we learned he has to go potty, and his foster parents were probably older (grandparents!)

Regardless, this little guy is in undies day and night

and this momma is THRILLED!

Twins?

Heehee (no we are not adopting again LOL) although there are a few I would love to bring home

I am not sure if I ever mentioned on here that a year ago this is what Brahm so nonchlantly mentioned to me

Momma, you know you left my twin in China

Hmmm, after the laughter, & shock I thought I would look at the shared list, hmm no same birthdays (there were 1900 kids on the list at the time) and the only two children with dwarfism even close in age I asked for their files and updates.

Anyhow, I often think about this odd statement that started the adoption to Griffen.

Yesterday, as I was trying to organize some pictures on my iMac I decided using the faces feature was the easiest since for some reason some of our pictures from China ended up misdated.

THis is a snapshot of what I kept getting from Apple LOL!

Over and over again I had to tell the computer that no this picture was Brahm and not Griffen!

Look at that nose, eyes and mouth LOL!

Amputee choices

So tomorrow we go to see Mr Terry - has it only been a month since we saw him and realized we needed to start on new legs - cuz frankly I feel like I have aged a year in that month.  Good and bad.

Have I ever mentioned I am NOT the most organized person in the world LOL!  So of course Sunday afternoon I realize I need fabric for Cav's new legs - do you know half of the fabric stores in town are closed on Sunday (and I knew I had no time on Monday.)

At first I thought oh what a fun family activity - then I realized how much the fabric ladies would hate me for traipsing my entourage into their fine little quilt store to look for fabric to cover my poor handicapped boys legs - heehee rolling - those blue haired ladies probably would have been talking about us for years LOL!

So I took the next best option and texted pictures to the family from the store.

Cav still really isn't "verbal" enough to make a decision - everything is um, yep.  So since we have to look at his legs, I let the other kids choose with the restriction that they had to be friendly for preschool AND Kindergarten just encase they last that long!

Loved the pandas but no else did

Loved the dragons but we thought we would wait a few years

No one liked crayons Ugh you people kill me

Then we saw the Dr Suess collect - FUN!!

            

Hmmm Dino's are cute!

I thought puppies were cute and daddy thought bones were perfect

BUT then we all agreed on!!

I am not sold on bright red legs but they will be cute for 4th of July LOL!

So what do you think?
We really wanted sharks but have not found any shark fabric anywhere - if you see some we would love 1/2 yard!!

And in all his cuteness
watching the Broncos win um lose
Griffen using Brahm's Globetrotter's ball as a footstool
(see those feet - yeah that's why you don't buy shoes to bring to China LOL!)

HEart of adoption

Yesterday was the culmination of our journey to Tao.

You see I was so afraid of his HEART that I spent endless days questioning God.  Heehee even typing those words makes me laugh now.

Every consult we received while waiting the 6 weeks for an update (before finally sending LOI) was that Tao had six fingered dwarfism (EVC).  I can do short, I can do extra fingers and the required amputation BUT Hearts - I don't do Hearts God - you know even in nursing school I didn't do hearts.

You may ask why were we so concerned about his heart?

Well, for kids with EVC almost all of the kids show up with some form of Atrial (top part of the heart) defect.  From a hole to a single atrium.  FIFTY percent of the children with EVC die within the first year!  Tao's referral was made at 6 months and he was turning 2.  When we sent LOI (before the update ever came) we didn't even know if he was still alive.  We took that humungeous leap of faith because we were out of time.

THe update came after we got PA (dated before we ever sent LOI) he was alive BUT had not been to the Dr since his original file was done.

Can I tell you how many nights I allowed Satan to whisper his hateful words of doubt during our wait.  We knew he had a PFO but that's not really a heart problem - where was the Atrial defect - how severe was it?

(Now let me tell you I consulted many of the dwarf specialists and they all concluded that he had to have EVC - one who I sent the x-ray findings before the information about his extra fingers said he had a "greater than 50% chance that maybe he was the only known child with achondroplasia (like Fei) and extra thumbs."

The statement was our hope no matter how small.  But again I allowed Satan to whisper - you see Brahm is a 1 in a million - can a family really have 2?

I brought my stethascope, & my hope to China he seemed perfect but again hearts are hard for me - was I missing something?

Yesterday we met with the cardiologist, 

HE was LESS than amused LOL!

we had an EKG, 

a full Echo 

and . . . yep we have 

another 1 in a million kid LOL!  

I rejoiced but over the past 24 hours as 2 very dear little girls fight for their very lives I looked at their parents and I felt shame.  

REally, who am I to tell GOD 

that I couldn't 

or more importantly wouldn't 

do HIS work 

because I was afraid.  

Please will you pray for the families below THEY were NOT afraid, they followed God in a way I personally couldn't.  I stand in awe of these families and we have been lucky enough to meet many more of these families along our adoption journeys.

IVY ~ is only a week older then Tao

LILY ~ sweet girl has been in the hospital 7 weeks

How we are doing.

WOW, you know when you read people's blogs about their perfect little adoptions and then don't ever read their blog again cuz they are living in fairytale land (especially when all he$$ is breaking loose at your house).  Skip the part on Griffen and go to the middle of the post cuz I would hate lose my bloggy friends!

You know some kids are jsut easy.  Griffen is one of them.  We have our adoption issues ~ mainly he likes jsut about anyone else over me which breaks my heart but then I get an evil laugh in my head and think Buddy another week and your stuck with me LOL!

It's not even that bad,
you know he cries when I pick him up & he is sitting with JieJie,
cries when I discipline one of the other minions,
screams bloody murder when he has to take a shower,
or bath.

He was crying when I walked in the door so now he comes with me LOL!

He also smiles and laughs when I feed him,
falls asleep on my shoulder,
hugs our friends but if I put my coat on he is ready to come with me.

I guess it's a perspective thing.  As long as I take my hurt feelings out of the equation, he has adapted nicely.

He is NOT banging his head on the wall,
scratching and clawing the siblings
wiping gross unmentionables everywhere
like some child who will remain nameless, did.

Griffen LOVES his brothers and sisters,
he plays with them all.

He is happy, happy, happy (except at bath time).

He didn't stress over Christmas,
loved his presents,
played with his toys,
loved the food.

Dude, the child is a dream

AND I thank GOD every day (not saying God wasn't their with Cav) but to be honest I spent more time praying over Griffen.  I jsut couldn't have done another Cav.

And I sure couldn't have done a hard child right now.
Daddy sells guns, to say daddy hasn't been around much would be an understatement.  We have not seen him except for Christmas day.  In addition, he takes one of our two big kids to help him at the shop.  Even with 20 employees it has been nuts.  I had my meltdown, Christmas is about family and well we had momma and the kids with no daddy around.  My vision of our ideal little Christmas was being shattered while I tried to hurry up and make a real Christmas for the kids, get last minute supplies and deal with the adopted child's holiday meltdowns which it is nice to read is normal.

All this while trying to find a new normal.

People don't really understand this part.  When you have a new baby you get a lot of grace.  When you adopt - well, you asked for this.  Um, hello nope answered God's call, not really my idea LOL!  

Folks, I can't for the life of me figure out how many plates to pull out at meal time.
3 times a day for almost a month and I still can't figure it out.
Laundry is a joke,
clothes - people my dang pictures are so messed up from Christmas because the dang kids didn't change their clothes for 2 or 3 days and I didn't even notice.
I can't find the envelopes for my gorgeous Christmas cards,
I still have to collect poop and pee from our angel.
We have been home a month and realized that although he wears 6-12 month clothes he has been dry for days and onsies do NOT work.
And my list of utter failures go on, and on, and on.


SO, I have come to conclusion that adoption is plain hard.  No matter how perfect the picture, there are challenges.  The best solution is a glass of wine and grace for yourself.  And if you haven't read this post (not the videos although they are cute)  you MUST!

When I change my haven's into accolades you know what ESHET CHAYIL!! 
I traveled across the world for a baby I never met,
My kids love a complete stranger with all their hearts 
I actually made 3 meals on the same day!
I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher on that same day!
I love my husband so much that I miss him when he is gone . . . .ESHET CHAYIL!!

So, as we enter the new year I am hoping to have a new perspective on my life and the incredible women around me (not vicinity), to encourage and lift up for what we have done!

Griffen - 1 month

Can you believe it - a month and I lack the words to express what this child means to me.

In January, when Brahm looked at me and said "You know you left my twin in China*."  I am sure I looked at him like he had 4 heads.  We were in the midst of our struggles with Cav, and truly the very last thing on our mind was adding one more.

BUT, God had other plans and we FINALLY listened - to our children.  They played a very big role in seeing what we could not.

I MUSt tell you that I am fairly new in the faith, and somewhere along the line I equated that

A Leap of Faith = hard times.

Now that we have this little angel, I can truly say that although I knew God would hold my hand and support me through this journey - it NEVER occurred to me that

A Leap of Faith = my greatest Blessing.

By saying this I am not negating our other children, and I am not saying he is our favorite

BUT

there is something about this little guy.

talking after a diaper change

He seems to be the key that completes EVERY one of us.

THe baby we were NOT even sure was alive when we sent our paperwork,
weren't sure of a diagnosis,
didn't know his size,
had never seen his smile,
or his dimples.
And expected the worst

He is now our SON,
he loves to talk,
he is smart,
he wears 9 month clothing,
weighs 20 lbs,
and is not even on the dwarf charts,
he gathers others to him,
and we think God sent him to do some work. (different post)
And we have found the best.

 * Although BRahm and Griffen are born 4 years apart - the twin comment intrigued me. 
We looked at several other children with closer birthdates, and even checked the shared list for his birthdate to no avail.  These are the answers we have figured out so far.  All I know is God used one very special little boy to help his parents see God's plan for them.

~ The meaning of the names Brahm & Tao are very similar - basically the way to peace or the answer

~ Brahm always affected others in a way I have never seen before - Tao is the same if not more.

~ One day as I sat with Griffen's picture on my computer screen, it was in such a position that when I looked up, I saw Brahm's baby picture and Griffen's - they are almost identical.  Mainly their big eyes.

Back in the trenches

I always laugh and say

when my oldest was born we stayed home a month
#2 we stayed home 2 weeks
#3 well school started jsut about a week after we got home


And 4,5 well we did give them some more time which was great

BUT #6 - lets jsut hit our knees and thank GOD this baby is a smiley little trooper.

We flew into Denver on Saturday night,
Back to Denver Monday afternoon to drop of Grandma
and then

YEP back to DENVER today!

While I was in China daddy facetimed that he couldn't get Cav's legs on.

We finally came to the solution to try the shrinkers from after his surgery AND a pair (ok I don't have a single pair but you get the geist LOL) of knee hi pantihose -

Now mind you we put a "sock" on Cav's leg, then the liner (molded for his leg) and then another sock or several (1 leg had a total of 4 sock widths before I left) and then the prosthetic.

So we thought a knee hi would replace sock #1 and then remove all the other socks.  Finally he was able to get Cav's leg on YEAH!

I also told my husband to change the appt with beloved Mr Terry (the prothetist) to today.

Of course I forgot that an 11 am appt in Denver meant none of the littles got to go to school today and so I packed up my entourage and off we drove.

Mr Terry, heehee, said "I never have seen this happen so quickly. "

I told Mr Terry that I think every single one of our appts he has told us "he has never seen this before!"

Anyhow, God was good and we were able to find some of the thinnest prosthetic socks in his supply closet and determined we will need new legs in 4-6 weeks.  Yep encase you are counting that means we got them 9/12 replaced the metal part 6 weeks later cuz he had busted the knee and then replaced the sockets about 2 months after that! (mind you if you are adopting a child who will need prosthetics this is not the norm by any means, so don't freak!)

PRAISE cuz this gets us through Christmas!

My guess what has happened is that Cav's system has finally healed form the malnutrition and Giardia (yes 11 months later) and he can finally absorb nutrients from his food.  Well that, and God has a sense of humor.  SO although he is our second youngest and is surrounded by 3 dwarves, this boy of ours will be HUGE!!

Mr Terry had to take a picture for his wife (we love this man!)

And poor Griffen, I got no idea what this kid is thinking of his new homeland. . . 

when he walks into a room with legs stacked in the corner LOL!

Home & kids

Heehee yep, we forgot to post about our trip home but we arrived safe and sound on Saturday afternoon.  The kids had their last performance of their play at church so only daddy and Cav were there to meet us but it was perfect.  In fact a very old friend happened to be in the airport who I haven't seen in years.  It was perfect.

BUT I digress cuz I know you want to know how the flights were.

LONG - Cathay is as much of a cattle car as Delta was last time - so if you are traveling, I wouldn't spend any extra for a different airline - go with what is the cheapest and best schedule.

We flew from Guangzhou to Hong Kong this time (instead of bus etc.)  I don't think there is a fast easy solution to getting out of GZ but I felt this was better than the bus, different hotel room we did last time.

I swear we went through security about 8 times that day if not more.  So do NOT go buying drinks for the trip in GZ like we did - or you know take the waters so generously offered on the flight from GZ to HK cuz you too will be doing this!

 However, there is a seperate security for those doing a transfer in HK so look to the side as you are walking of you plane and head down the hall.  We made the mistake of going to the bathroom first and then had to stand in a longer line but it still wasn't bad.

LOVE HK airport.  Free wifi, plenty of good food and shopping.  We had 3 hours there which flew by after facetiming the kids and eating.

From Hong Kong we flew to San Francisco.  Let's jsut say we sat in the toddler section - and Griffen was the only adopted child in that section LOL!  We had terrible terbulance and there many long hours I sat in my seat with my head hanging over the nice little baggies the airlines provide.  I know you don't care about me.

Ok so in our toddler section of 2 rows we had a 

BARFER (not me thankfully but it didn't help my situations)

A SCREAMER!

and a sleeper.

Wanna guess which was mine!

Yep, our prince was the sleeper!

He watched Bolt (in English)

At dinner

got all snuggled in with a bottle

a little Melatonin

and periodic doses of the no-jet-lag tabs (I swear by them)

and he slept 13 of the 16 hours (I know I hate people like me too but thank the Lord, as I couldn't hold down my stomach and have cared for him too.)

San Francisco was awesome - we luckily asked which immigration line to go into (while standing in the huge US citizen line) and were sent to the NEW IMMIGRANT on which had one other family (who were really new immigrants)

The man was so incredibly nice.

Then we had to wait for all our bags (glad we had another 3 hr connection as there were 1000 bags they said)

Handed over our customs forms and headed for our last plane

(um don't take pics in the customs area LOL!)

Got of the plane and our little man went right to his daddy with a giggle and a grin!

LOVE this picture of them!!  

Mind you neither speaks the same language heehee!

Passed out on the 1 1/2 hr trip home and woke up to lots of fun decorations!

Heehee my husband had nicknamed Tao - the 2 foot tomato so he had morgan and my poor Aunt cut out green leaves to decorate the chinese lanterns into tomato's heehee!

My Aunt flew out from St Louis to help with the kids for the last part of our trip and she truly was the calvary!  She baked with Morgan, taught her to cross stitch, got the kids ready and took them to their play (including make up and hair LOL!) and a thousand other things!  Truly a blessing and an answer to so many prayers!

The kids were all so enamoured by Tao and bless his little heart he did great.  I am pretty sure I would have been scared LOL!  I don't think his feet hit the ground again until Monday when they went to school!  He 

LOVE this pic of our family!~

Sunday afternoon we had an impromptu get together with my brother and his family.  Our kids love their cousin!  And we were blessed with warm enough weather that we decided to head outside for lunch!  

Griffen did not miss a beat!  Truly this kid is an answer to so many prayers!

While the kids played outside, my husband and brother went inside to install a tiny stair railing for Tao 

These are the little things I love about my husband.  The baby fell down the stairs Sunday morning and he noticed that it was the only place in the house where we don't have the banister poles for Tao to hold onto.  He really is amazing in creating the few adaptations our kids need to live a "normal" life.

SLEEP -

Griffen is sleeping in our room.  The first two nights he would wake up crying (this baby goes from calm to hysterical in 5 seconds).  We do give him the tiny doses of Melatonin before bed, and a bottle.

Last night he went right to sleep and slept all night.

KIDS -

Our three bio kids have welcomed him into their family with the love and excitement that we have come to see from them.  When you think of it, truly it makes me proud of them, as well as so many of the other kids in the adoption community.  Opening up their hearts, their homes and their toys to a stranger to love forever.  The worst thing has been breaking up a fight over who gets to help with him or hold him.  We are also very aware of what we say and do so as not to start out with bad habits we need to break later.

FeiFei - that poor baby bawled when I walked int he door.  I think she held it in while I was gone but her past creeped in.  Hugs and cuddles and reminding her that we are a family, and that means we always come home (our mantra).  I think that this actually was a defining point for her in realizing this and that we love her so very much.  She has been her same happy self.  An interesting dynamic - once the big kids went to school on Monday she then stepped up and really took over playing with and caring for the baby.  He adores her!!

Cav - he had the most issues while I was gone.  I truly can say that he actually had less issues than we expected.  However, we (as in I) worked very hard to ensure that he was left with people who he can't manipulate.  There are always people in his environment that he can, but the main caretakers were very good at setting boundaries.  Truth be told, daddy was who I was worried about the most, but even he caught on after a few days.  That being said Cav's sensory issues have really showed.  We have 3 appts in about 10 days with our fabulous PT who will help get him back.  

    As far as Griffen and Cav, this is my heartbreak (again).  Although ideally we probably should have waited for several more years before adopting again I truly don't think it would have made a difference with Cav.  And beside ~ you know the whole God thing, the greater good was to get that baby of ours home.  The heartbreaking part of Cav and Griffen is once again we see where Cav has no idea how to play with another child.  So we have become very cognitive of helping guide him through appropriate ways to play with the baby, to relate with him etc.  I jumped for joy yesterday when Cav actually sat with Griffen and they were able to play blocks together.  Luckily, griffen is so easy it allows me the time and energy to continue with Cav.  

   Lastly,  I truly believe that having Griffen will ultimately be the best thing for Cav.  His younger brother will push him to atleast stay up to par as far as developmentally  and emotionally (there is a 2 year and 1 day age difference).  I am prepared that Griffen my surpass Cav at some point in these areas and we will deal with them when it happens.  The journey through China again helped me to process many of the things from last year.  I am not sure if Cav will always want to remain on the outer fringes of our family (where I think he feels the most comfortable).  But you know somewhere in China I realized I am ok with this.  It's heard to verbalize, but forcing the kid to be lovey dovey exuberent jsut might not be the best use of our energy.  My goal with him is to make sure he is a productive member of society and to know his family loves him fiercely, in fact we love him as he is (and that is huge).

Stone forest - kunming

We went to the most incredible places today. The Stone forest is 1 1/2 away from kunming.

Let me first say our guide is a believer. We had a fascinating conversation about religion. We so take for granted our churches and freedoms. He said the churches in China are actually government run and the pastor must follow their guidelines. They are not allowed to speak about revelations at all. He said it was because of the red dragon. Is that Satan or does any one know what he was talking about.

Anyhow, back to our adventures. I am so glad we were able to experience this natural wonder without trying to drag along a 2 year old. We also saw the Yi minority which is similar to our native Americans. There clothing is very bright and their handiwork is very similar to crewel I think. I bought several pieces. Between my son & the guide I felt like I was shopping with my husband lol!

On the way back to the hotel I noticed a neat looking area filled with people. I was thrilled when we turned into our hotel just blocks away. I drug my son on another adventure to . . . Walmart. Ok folks I am an adventurous type but Walmart on a Saturday afternoon at home was enough to do me in. We did find goodies for Griffen as my goal is to feed him before he freaks out.

Let me just say the place looked like after Christmas sales, it was hot, it was loud and places it smelled. For those of you coming - don't worry about formula. They had 3 complete aisles FULL of formula!

After dinner we went back to the park ( hope my previous post comes up). We noticed several things. Families spend Saturday spoiling their kids since most work all week. The kids are a little out of control. We saw several 6-9 year old boys duking it out only to figure out the parents were right there. Lots of preschoolers crying over balloons and all of them walking away with one. A lot of what we saw explains Cav's behavior.

The picture of pinyin in green says "God creates all things beautiful" (or similar lol)

PS - just encase your wondering. We get Griffen at @ 3 tomorrow. Just like a pregnancy I can't wait to see him. Hold him. Check out his cute little self. Please pray for us all and his heart as he spends the last night as an orphan.