God's closed doors

Slam, slam, slam

The last several months have been a series of closed doors which we absolutely have NOT understood.

You see when we adopted Dawson we were scared to death, even a little overwhelmed by the number of kids - cuz really every time we turned around people would comment on how many kids we had.  It was odd, we don't FEEL

More than 3 times the kids most people have.

If you remember we just were surprised when Dawson's family backed out and our agency called us.

We himmed, and hawed, it seemed crazy at the time, but what a blessing that big has been.

We have had a few minimal issues which more have to do with spending 9 years in an orphanage than an issue with him.

We are just about a month away from celebrating ONE YEAR home with this boy!!

It's really hard to believe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyhow, in July I looked at an email that made my breath catch - identical twin boys with the names of my stepdad and one of hubbies Uncle's.  They aren't average names - but rather old ones.  THey weren't matchy matchy twin names, one was a name I had never heard except for the family name.

THey were so cute, had a significant but manageable SN that is very similar to one of our kiddo's

And the thought to reuse Dawson's dossier was born.

We prayed over these boys, hubby was NO!, I felt God telling me to be patient.

July disappeared, and mid August came before we even thought about discussing things.  CCCWA approved us for two on a reuse - open door right.

THen the ladybugs began to move into our bathroom.

The problem was they were with a different agency.  We asked if we could have them transferred.

We had hope, they led us to believe they would transfer the boys - so we wrote LOI in September.

SLAM, SLAM - oh it was heartbreaking.

It's strange, the only thing I can compare it to was when we had suffered a miscarriage - minus the hormones.

We had prayed for these boys,
we had envisioned them into our home,
we were scared but wanted to be obedient to His plan,
we had named them.

A month passed, the damn ladybugs still resided in our bathroom,
the call went out for a little boy with a major facial cleft.
There was something about him, but I had sworn I would NEVER adopt a child with a cleft palate (I do not view it as an easy SN).
We were all still mourning the loss of our twins,
I was trying to figure out what in the heck God was planning.

This little guys time was almost up with his agency (end of Oct.)
I asked our agency to request his file a week prior to the date.
We waited, with baited breath
AND then
SLAM.
Don't get me wrong - I love these boys have families, but my heart hurts for us.

I can almost still hear that slam reverberate in my ears.

Really God!!  I screamed from my knees, I have ladybugs now procreating in my bathroom, it's COlorado, it's cold why send me signs, why toy with me, let us be, let us enjoy our family as it is - go call on someone ELSE!

And THEN the baby ladybug showed up.

to be continued . . .

No excuses

I keep facing the same responses about adoption and it has weighed heavily on me for weeks and even months.

I can't adopt because . . .

People let me give you a little bit of reality -

Do you see this ~

That's right I - the mom who has adopted FOUR children (almost) did not grow my own potato's, scrub them, boil them, and then mash them.

This is NOT organic.

Along with it I made a meatloaf from my favorite cookbook 

- the college students survival guide.  

You think I am lying don't you or just spewed pop all over your computer 

- I AM NOT!!

I have had to double the recipe - and then because I didn't start until late I realized the centers weren't completely cooked through and so I served the ends to my starving kids and continued heating the rest.

The worst part - we haven't even started school yet - I don't have an excuse.

I will admit it - I shouldn't have a hamster some days never mind all these kids.  I read blog after blog of mom's grinding their own flour, baking their own bread (and encase your confused I buy Sara Lee whole grain WHITE bread).

The point is you don't have to be perfect to adopt.  

You don't have to be the best homemaker, 

the best cook, 

super crafty, 

supermom

or wealthy.

ALL you have to be is OPEN.

Because I guarantee that those waiting kids do not CARE!

they don't have warm enough clothes, 

enough food to eat,

a name,

or the love of a family.

Your failings are still 100 times better than the best person currently in their lives.

if you are hearing the call - PLEASE stop with the excuses.

God's Hand

For those of you who have been here a while you know Tao is our little "fisher of men".  Part of is what we call the puppy factor, but the other part is that I truly believe he has God's work to do.  It is nothing short of shocking to witness, shocking and oh so humbling.

Believe me when I say that I have had to put away ever bit of adoption knowledge we ever read, (and we read a lot because of Cav.)

So today was such an amazing experience . . . so much so I wanted to stand on top of the mountains and scream so people could hear me.

This story is as much for us as it is for you.  To remember that God very much is at work, uses the least of these to do His work.  We are his humble servants, listening at His whispers without including our own humanness.

So we have transferred from football to wrestling.  Besides our big boy I have 2 little ones who are crazy about wrestling.  In addition, the high schoolers love Brahm and Tao ( they love Cav too, but he just isn't quite ready to wrestle yet.)

Tao sat to watch the mat be lifted to the ceiling, and two high schoolers plopped right down next to him!

This morning as I was getting kids ready to come for our first all day tournament, Tao threw a fit (far and few between but really the kid is 3 - it's normal.)  I just felt he was supposed to be with us, so we finally calmed him down although we ended up missing big brother's first match.

Anyhow, midway through the day, this big cowboy stood next to where we sat on the bleachers, and struck up a conversation with Tao.  I am talking cowboy hat, huge belt buckle EVERYTHING!  We left and came back and the man drifted towards us again (not in a creepy way - he had come from Oklahoma to watch his nephew wrestle LOL).

AS this cowboy was talking to us and playing with Tao - one of the coaches from the christian school came up and asked if Tao was Chinese, I told him his story and we got to chatting.  The cowboy told my friend his parents had been a missionary in Korea.  We chatted with the cowboy some more and the baby gravitated towards him.  I think I have mentioned before but Tao loves being up, and held.  I assured the cowboy it was ok to pick him up.

Now comes the God part!  We asked if he had any kids - one he said and she was 32.  I asked if he had grandkids, because truly this man was wonderful with Tao.   I saw the tears behind his eyes (and I thought oh no don't make him cry in this noisy auditorium filled with wrestling matches and screaming parents LOL).  As he proceeded to tell us this story I watched Tao snuggle against this man's chest, heart to heart and lay quietly, completely at peace.

He proceeded to tell us he got a girl pregnant at 18, and paid for an abortion.  He entered the pro rodeo circuit and knew he would never be home to care for a child.  She couldn't go through with it, and luckily was able to go into a home for unwed mothers.  They cared for her until she delivered the baby. He had to go to court to relinquish his rights as a parent (and it sounds like it was a horrible experience.)  The child found him years later.  She was raised by a doctor and had, had a great life.

And as I stared at this gruff man, in the black hat, snuggling a once unwanted baby, I prayed that this somehow would heal a heart that was still wounded 32 years later.

I assured him that he had made the right and most unselfish decision.

He held that baby for another 30 minutes, as he slept.  Hours later when we left, I sent Tao over to say good bye (he also bought the little boys candy LOL!)

He hugged our little boy, and then quickly left the gym, head down.  I pray for his healing, and marvel at how God can use a tiny 3 year old in the craziest of places.

I know nothing of this man's faith, but I did speak of ours.  IF he isn't a believer I pray that this would open a door for him.

Not the hero ~ to anonymous

Somehow, somewhere people think that you have to be perfect to do God's work.

He did NOT call us because we are perfect.

We don't have some amazing ability

Special powers so to speak.

In fact if it was up to me,

If I were choosing people to do His work,

then the VERY last family

I would choose would be ours.

That being said, I probably wouldn't have chosen Paul either.
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For the person who left this deleted comment ~


Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Healing hearts":

wish you were the person you want everyone to think you are 



I don't keep this blog to make anyone think a particular way about me, 
in fact I have tried very hard to document our struggles.  

On my bad days 

I long for the days that I got my hair done every six weeks,
instead of drove to Denver for another medical appointment.

I long for the days I could go to the gym,
instead of staying home with a tantruming child 
who has every right to scream his head off,
But I know few others would understand.

I long for the days where we could walk in public,
and blend in with the crowd.

On my bad days 
I long for ladies night out,
instead of trying to teach a 5 year old,
enough so she can pass kindergarten.

But on my GOOD days,
I look at my old superficial life
and rejoice that in fact we said yes.

Most days my heart soars as my children 
learn new things.

I now rejoice when my newest child,
seeks me out 
and lays his head on my shoulder.

For a second I am enough,
despite all my faults.

I heard exactly what I needed today in my Bible Study.

"The Hero in every story is NEVER a human figure ~ 

the HERO is always God"

The Alter

This journey we have been on has been one of great blessings and of great change.  Little Griffen has been such a jewel but oh does God use this little guy to dispel all of those horrid impressions people have of adoption.  He is like a fisherman - reeling the ladies in like a master.

Anyhow, because he is so easy and so good we recently started Bible Study Fellowship   I know for a fact this is exactly where I need to be right now.  I have several very good friends who love my children in the child care center.  Anyhow, little man comes with me for half the time, and then I get an hour with him safely being loved on by my friends (and his biggest champions) just down the hall.

Anyhow, this hour by myself allows me to listen to the lesson and reflect without the fog that comes with ensuring my little angel is not getting into trouble.

BSF is doing the book of Genesis this year - I know ugh right - yeah not so much.  I have learned so much from the lessons I have done and they relate to me EVERY single week - gotta love when God is right there.

SO this week was about when Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be sacrificed - his single ONLY precious child, his legacy and the fulfillment of his promise.

AS the lecture went on I was hit by a freight train.

The most interesting dichotomy of adoption in bringing a new child into ones home.  When people are pregnant ALL they hope for is a healthy child.  However, there is a huge a group of people - ordinary ones with no special training, who specifically seek out children who have special needs, some with incredibly great needs.

The light bulb moment.

We all welcome children into our lives knowing within months we will have to place that child upon the alter just as Abraham was asked to place his beloved son on the alter.

We could just love these new children never seeking the treatment that has so far been withheld from them but we have promised to provide them with the best medical care.   This also requires us to place our child on the proverbial alter AND trusting God to return our child back to us.

With each new child, each surgery and hospital stay I see people in the adoption community rally around these extraordinary parents, sending words of love, prayer and thanksgiving.  Holding their children close and cherishing the incredibleness of life.

Sunday Snapshot - {For I know the plans..}

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

In the craziness of our week, month, and current life,

I totally missed it.

Until today ~

As our Pastor came and asked if Cav could walk up the aisle with him,

and the congregation gave our son a standing ovation (and God of course.)

I looked at the praise card and it hit me

There was the plan, and I almost missed it.

Our boy received his legs on the 12th!

Hello, the 12th. . . how could I have missed it.

Exactly,

9 months

TO

THE

DAY

He became our son 12/12, 

he received his legs 9/12!

Only God could have written this plan,

Only his timing!

And my little man, who cheers his brother 

eventhough it is hard to share the limelight!

Trust in ME

It has been a rough week!

Last night I spent in tears wondering what I was thinking bringing another child home.  Cav spent FOUR . . . yes FOUR freaking hours screaming on Mothers Day.  He was ticked that he couldn't have a donut after church. 

NO ONE else got a donut

We were going to BRUNCH.

He screamed all the way to Brunch, kicked seats and had an all out fit with no hope of calming.

THankfully, we have been parents long enough to know bailing on Brunch was the smartest idea.

We felt terrible for the other kids ~ but this was one of those opportunities where we saw their true character.

They truly made me proud.

We have had an unexplained backslide in Cav's behavior all week.

Tantrum's everyday

Inappropriate behavior at school

Etc.

Then today we had to run up to Denver Children's to meet with the Dwarf specialist.

Fei will need surgery (tonsils so not a huge deal)

Brahm had to have blood drawn as his latest genetic test came back WITHOUT answers again.

In the midst of his tears he asked some pretty difficult questions, about WHY's.

I got home and found this waiting in the mailbox.

For those not in the know our I-800A approval

REJOICE

OK I dreaded the thought of running BACK up to Denver in the morning, but was able to make arrangements to be in Denver by 8AM so I could be back be 11AM Kindergarten pickup LOL!

AND THEN. . . 

I remembered we still needed a copy of our homestudy update which our social worker said she mailed on Monday before she left 

FOR TWO WEEKS!

TEARS, ok ugly cry, and then I realized.

I had been so stressed, so distracted that I allowed Satan into our lives.

As I drove the kids to their activity tonight, I fiercely prayed for direction and that's when I had not been in the word as much as I should.

Of course I had to laugh when I went to my easy brainless got to on BibleGateway

AB Simpson    Abraham believed in God

 Abraham's faith reposed in God Himself. He knew the God he was dealing with. It was a personal confidence in 

 One whom he could utterly trust. The real secret of Abraham's whole life was in his friendship with God. He 

knew God to be his great, good and faithful Friend. Taking Him at His word, he stepped out from all that he 

knew and loved and went forth upon an unknown pathway with none but God. In addition to trusting in the 

Word of God, have we learned to lean our whole weight upon God, the God of infinite love and power, our 

covenant God and everlasting Friend? We are told that Abraham glorified God by this life of faith. The truest 

way to glorify God is to let the world see what He is and what He can do. God does not so much want us to do 

things as to let people see what He can do. God is not looking for extraordinary characters as His instruments, 

but He is looking for humble instruments through whom He can be honored throughout the ages. 

Ok I got it!!

Love the LORD your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength.

Take that!

I have received a bunch of emails and comments about my last post.  It saddens me that this is the norm.  It saddens me that the money part of the adoption will forever leave a bad taste in my mouth.  But you know what - our God is a gracious and loving God and He made sure that if we look we will find guidance along our way.

As I was reading through my blog roll today I noticed that they seemed to be out of order, that I had missed some - so I read further back and hidden among the blog posts

WAS THIS ONE!


Take that Satan you have tried but you will not defeat this adoption!

Our princess at 2 (she was a wild one too!)