Thursday, January 29, 2015

Finding Grace

God has really been working on us over the past 6 months and finally I was brought to my knees and God and I had a heart to heart.  My cries that NO - I am not going one more step forward until HE gave us answers for Cav.

We are talking on my knees,
screaming at God,

Are we to stupid to give up,
I know for a fact that YOU God sent us to this child,
but I can NOT,
do this alone.

My heart aches for this child,
he plays by himself,
he is always angry, or raging, this is no way for a child to live.
I want to see him smile God.
I want him to be able to play with the other kids.

And on, and on, and on.

And finally. . . 

Our prayers have been answered.


Am I mad as hell that the answer could be found in a bottle,
that No one else thought to try this when he first came home and raged for more hours than he didn't.

BUT I have to believe that there is a reason,
that God has buffered our boys heart.

So we are cautiously optimistic that we are on the right path.
And the change in Cav has been shocking.
Even his dad mentioned his facial features have even changed!!

We also did the MTHFR test - we haven't started treating it but Cav tested positive for both cardiac AND neurologic.  It explains MANY, MANY things including the odd smell to his urine, and even blood.  He does NOT break down folic acid AT ALL!

I tell you this because I don't want someone else to have to go through 3 years of hell trying to find an answer.

Can you see the glow!!


Monday, January 5, 2015

Getting our girl back

OK before we begin lets get a few things clear - I am tired of the judgement, the negative comments and the expectation from a few people that adoption is only unicorns and rainbows, because it's NOT.  Adoption is messy business, and if people had written about the difficulties we would have been more prepared when we went to get Cav.  In addition, I don't particularly care what YOU think about how many kids we have - let me ONLY say we can afford our children.   God did NOT call us to adopt because we were perfect, oh no we are the most broken of his people.  However, we answered His call believing He would give us the resources to walk this journey.  I am taking back control of MY blog - If you leave an inappropriate and judgmental comment you will deleted.

I really stopped blogging last year when we had to take this little girl out of school for very poor choices.  We home schooled her, and she became my shadow.  
(I also learned I suck at homeschooling LOL)

With everything we have gone through with Cav, I was shocked we were seeing the same things from her.  The worst part was she had the most loving foster family - to a fault, they didn't prepare her for adoption, and in fact when the SWI called her back they both (Fei and foster mom) both threw such a fit, they returned her until we arrived in China.

When Fei was 5 months home and had enough language she looked at us and said "China momma no come get me?"  For 5 months she looked out the window everyday waiting for the woman she loved, to come get her.  As she got more language, we learned that the foster mom had told her to get in the car and don't cry, that she would come get her shortly.  Oh my heart hurts to hear these events.

And then we made THE biggest mistake of our lives.  See she is our best sleeper and our most mild tempered child - so we put her in the room with Cav.

AND she began acting out worse and worse, and we were at a loss.

And a vicious cycle began until that day last February, when I pulled her from school.

And then I read a FB post that said to NEVER have a RAD kid share a room EVER!

So we changed rooms, and made her the cutest little room out of our library loft.

And summer came and we had some pretty desperate times.  A trip where I should have, could have, would have but didn't.  I began second guessing myself as a parent - 2 kids with major issues - how could I survive this God.  That trip brought me to my knees.  

But we saw glimpses of hope.  

So we made the decision to send her to a much smaller school, where the kids looked more like her and the days were centered around her native language (she didn't remember anymore.)  And we made a pact, if she worked hard, and relearned Mandarin then at 18 we would pay for her to return to China.  (we had always tried to explain that her dwarfism prevented that as an option.)

Almost a year later, I dare say we have our girl back.  
It has been a journey, we have both grown from it.  
We have given her a voice, and a confidence to walk away from those hurting her.  
We have gained her trust that we won't leave her and she can tell us when someone is hurting her.

Although this year has been hard with Cav we learned we were not crazy when we suspected he was victimizing her - telling her over and over how no one loved her.  Talking her into stealing for him, until she lost herself.  

Oh my heart hurts to even write this.  

And I know what you are thinking, but even the teacher at school, who is aware, missed him doing this at school ~ twice.  He is very quiet, almost under his breath, and almost like a hum type mantra.  We missed hearing it with the highest tech monitor in their room.  All we saw were the results.

I SHARE this because others need to know this - I refuse to allow this girls experience go for naught. 

And yes she is an orthodontists dream LOL!!