Monday, January 5, 2015

Getting our girl back

OK before we begin lets get a few things clear - I am tired of the judgement, the negative comments and the expectation from a few people that adoption is only unicorns and rainbows, because it's NOT.  Adoption is messy business, and if people had written about the difficulties we would have been more prepared when we went to get Cav.  In addition, I don't particularly care what YOU think about how many kids we have - let me ONLY say we can afford our children.   God did NOT call us to adopt because we were perfect, oh no we are the most broken of his people.  However, we answered His call believing He would give us the resources to walk this journey.  I am taking back control of MY blog - If you leave an inappropriate and judgmental comment you will deleted.

I really stopped blogging last year when we had to take this little girl out of school for very poor choices.  We home schooled her, and she became my shadow.  
(I also learned I suck at homeschooling LOL)

With everything we have gone through with Cav, I was shocked we were seeing the same things from her.  The worst part was she had the most loving foster family - to a fault, they didn't prepare her for adoption, and in fact when the SWI called her back they both (Fei and foster mom) both threw such a fit, they returned her until we arrived in China.

When Fei was 5 months home and had enough language she looked at us and said "China momma no come get me?"  For 5 months she looked out the window everyday waiting for the woman she loved, to come get her.  As she got more language, we learned that the foster mom had told her to get in the car and don't cry, that she would come get her shortly.  Oh my heart hurts to hear these events.

And then we made THE biggest mistake of our lives.  See she is our best sleeper and our most mild tempered child - so we put her in the room with Cav.

AND she began acting out worse and worse, and we were at a loss.

And a vicious cycle began until that day last February, when I pulled her from school.

And then I read a FB post that said to NEVER have a RAD kid share a room EVER!

So we changed rooms, and made her the cutest little room out of our library loft.

And summer came and we had some pretty desperate times.  A trip where I should have, could have, would have but didn't.  I began second guessing myself as a parent - 2 kids with major issues - how could I survive this God.  That trip brought me to my knees.  

But we saw glimpses of hope.  

So we made the decision to send her to a much smaller school, where the kids looked more like her and the days were centered around her native language (she didn't remember anymore.)  And we made a pact, if she worked hard, and relearned Mandarin then at 18 we would pay for her to return to China.  (we had always tried to explain that her dwarfism prevented that as an option.)

Almost a year later, I dare say we have our girl back.  
It has been a journey, we have both grown from it.  
We have given her a voice, and a confidence to walk away from those hurting her.  
We have gained her trust that we won't leave her and she can tell us when someone is hurting her.

Although this year has been hard with Cav we learned we were not crazy when we suspected he was victimizing her - telling her over and over how no one loved her.  Talking her into stealing for him, until she lost herself.  

Oh my heart hurts to even write this.  

And I know what you are thinking, but even the teacher at school, who is aware, missed him doing this at school ~ twice.  He is very quiet, almost under his breath, and almost like a hum type mantra.  We missed hearing it with the highest tech monitor in their room.  All we saw were the results.

I SHARE this because others need to know this - I refuse to allow this girls experience go for naught. 

And yes she is an orthodontists dream LOL!!


  1. It's such a shame that internet trolls have been hostile toward you. You have been quick to point out your own mistakes, which I think a lot of people don't, they just may blame it on the child and the child's past. I think it is obvious you are trying to do the right thing for all your children and not have to disrupt, it is excellent! Good job. I hope you get positive notes to balance out the nasty ones! Sending love from British Columbia!

  2. No negative comments here. I know full well about the not unicorns and rainbows side of adoption. I'm sorry your sweet Fei had to go through both the waiting for China Mom to come back, and the despair of being told "no one loves you" on repeat. :( I know that must break your heart. I'm glad to hear she's doing better, and I think it's AWESOME that you have an immersion school she can go to! I really wish I had that option for my girls.

  3. I'm proud of you for deleting negative comments........I almost never read the comments on blogs anymore because someone is always upset about something......and that makes me mad, because I see a blog as a way of documenting your life and sharing your story, not asking for the world's opinion. I respect you for sharing your story - good and bad parts. May God continue to bless your family.

  4. Breaks my heart that her foster mom did not prepare her and becuase of that she was hurt even further. So glad you were able to figure out the other issues too! Thanks for keeping it real!

  5. I'm so sorry you all had to go through that. This adoption thing is truly unpredictable. I've done it 4 times, and I still get surprised on a regular basis. I really missed your posts over the past year, and now I know why they were so scarce. I enjoy what you write because you have always been honest, and that has helped me stay calm many times. The bloggers who are not brave enough to be honest really do a disservice to their fellow adoptive parents. Thank you for your courage.

  6. A big thank you from me too! Before adoption I tried to read as many blogs as possible, only one of them also adressen negative things about the adopted child. I was so thankful that I had read that particular blog once we adopted our son. On my own blog I am honest about everything, but since my country is smaller and the adoptions fewer than in the US I blog without pictures or real name. So many readers have thanked me for being honest about the ups and downs in adoption and I feel strongly that I am helpful. As are you! Thank you for sharing! Lots of chinalove-greetings from Sweden.

  7. Shame on those who make negative comments! I have missed your posts but completely understand. I pray that Cav and Fei are both doing well, along with the rest of your family!

  8. Your honesty is refreshing. Thanks for sharing!

  9. Its so sad that other people's rudeness ruin a good thing, I really have missed your blog post and hope that you will continue, It is sad and I am sure you beat yourself up enough about what happened between her and Cav, she is young and resilient, and already back and soon this season will pass and she will be onto more things life can bring, and soon she will be old enough to understand about China and people with special needs and will probably see that it was better to be in USA. you are doing a great job, keep it up and keep blogging ;)

  10. She is beautiful. Each adoption and each child has such a different and unique story. It is a journey that sometimes is very, very difficult for parent and child. Thank you for sharing.

  11. I read and have missed your blogging. I have 13 all with disabilities. Adoption can be great for everyone in the triad at least as great as it can be when born from grief and separation, but it requires 'informed' parenting if you will. Not everyone is cut out for it and many are on a parenting journey that they did not expect to be on. I think the average person embarking on adopting a child unless specifically seeking out a child with special needs cannot see beyond the unicorns and rainbows. I worry for them and the child they eventually adopt. Anyways...the haters are going to hate and we need to do our best to not give their words power in our lives. Carry on with the deleting! but please keep on blogging. Yours is an important voice to hear. If you would like to meet us we are at