Being brave in the brokenness

The number one comment both good and bad was HOW we could have adopted again after bringing Cav home and having so many issues.

Whether you agree or not is fine -
You have to do what is right for your family,
and we did what was right for our family.

Was it crazy - YEP!
Would I suggest it - probably not.

BUT we are very strong in our faith, and we knew for a fact that God called us to adopt Tao.
It scared me to death.
I begged God the entire process,
"Dear Lord I can NOT do another adoption like we just did."

And you know what . . . God knew exactly what I needed at that time.

See, I have learned that adding Tao was not another mouth to feed,
or another poor orphan to deal with,
or that we adopted him with an agenda.

We did not - in fact we knew it was crazy,
Tao's file was a disaster,
For those that have forgotten this beautiful baby we committed to adopting was listed at 6 months old,
we found him at the mid bottom of the shared list,
A YEAR LATER.
He was unwanted, his 5+ diagnoses scary at best.
We had no other agenda for him, except to get him the medical care we thought he needed.

And 2 years later I have learned several things,
God wasn't wrong -
Our family needed Tao, to bring the sunshine into our rainy days.
Even on our worst days, it's his fat little hands patting me and giving me a hug that I remember.

He proved to us how right adoption can be.
He became a barometer for Cav,
an emulator of sorts.

Tao's sweet spirit healed all of us.
I can honestly say without Tao,
we would never have been brave enough to pursue Dawson.

So yes, to the rest of the world adopting Tao was crazy,
many tell us we should never have adopted again until we got Cav settled and figured out
(If I lived by that belief I would have had ONE child BTW.)
Someone always has an issue, a friend issue, a school issue, a crappy start in life issue, a medical issue.

The truth is the world will NEVER be perfect to adopt.
Our messy lives will NEVER be perfect enough.
We won't EVER have enough money,
enough room,
enough,
enough,

But that simple act of saying YES,
somehow fills all those enoughs,
or disposes of them.

I often think of Moses, did you know he wasn't eloquent or quick of speech.  He must have thought God was crazy not to pick someone better to do his work.  But you know Moses did amazing things, and God provided for him to do His work.

(Cav is still doing great on his meds, the MTHFR results were shocking to say the least but we have started him on a medication that is already processed Folic Acid - we will see if this makes any other difference.)

Halloween catch up

Not sure if JBF - just between friends - sale is national but man I love that sale!!  Sell old items, barter for an early shopping pass and buy amazing items!!

Besides getting lots of school uniforms for our kiddos attending the Mandarin immersion school - I found all of these except Fei's (well she got a beautiful snow white costume but that didn't meet the theme.)

Heehee Dawson's English teacher pulled me aside a few days before Halloween as he told her we made him a potato LOL!

And Morgan went with all of her friends - who were all princess's.  I just couldn't see spending tons of money and time making a ball gown she would wear once so this was our compromise - Belle before!

Halloween was a crazy day - as our family has gotten bigger, I have had to change how I do things.  

I have backed down to being room mom for only one class. 

 I was super excited to help out my friend whose daughter is in the am class because they were IN CHINA getting their son!!  So two parties for preschool meant missing the harvest fest at the mandarin school but we sent "pumpkin" cups made from butterscotch pudding and green airheads for stems (apparently I didn't get an pics LOL!)

 Tao and Cav's class got mummies made from squeezey apple sauce and were super cute 

We also changed up how we did Halloween - I know horrors.  Our oldest had a football game at 7 pm (2 hours away)  In addition, because we have so many food and begging issues with Cav and Fei we thought having them go to doors beg for food and get candy was … well. . . insane.

So I got them pizza, made them each up a treat basket with candy, bracelets, pencils etc and they got a NEW movie.  Plus kettle corn because our Chinese kids especially LOVE popcorn LOL!

It was a crazy hard decision but ultimately they loved it, we got to go to the game and watch our oldest, and Brahm got to be ball boy for the varsity game!

Tak is #53!

God's Hand

For those of you who have been here a while you know Tao is our little "fisher of men".  Part of is what we call the puppy factor, but the other part is that I truly believe he has God's work to do.  It is nothing short of shocking to witness, shocking and oh so humbling.

Believe me when I say that I have had to put away ever bit of adoption knowledge we ever read, (and we read a lot because of Cav.)

So today was such an amazing experience . . . so much so I wanted to stand on top of the mountains and scream so people could hear me.

This story is as much for us as it is for you.  To remember that God very much is at work, uses the least of these to do His work.  We are his humble servants, listening at His whispers without including our own humanness.

So we have transferred from football to wrestling.  Besides our big boy I have 2 little ones who are crazy about wrestling.  In addition, the high schoolers love Brahm and Tao ( they love Cav too, but he just isn't quite ready to wrestle yet.)

Tao sat to watch the mat be lifted to the ceiling, and two high schoolers plopped right down next to him!

This morning as I was getting kids ready to come for our first all day tournament, Tao threw a fit (far and few between but really the kid is 3 - it's normal.)  I just felt he was supposed to be with us, so we finally calmed him down although we ended up missing big brother's first match.

Anyhow, midway through the day, this big cowboy stood next to where we sat on the bleachers, and struck up a conversation with Tao.  I am talking cowboy hat, huge belt buckle EVERYTHING!  We left and came back and the man drifted towards us again (not in a creepy way - he had come from Oklahoma to watch his nephew wrestle LOL).

AS this cowboy was talking to us and playing with Tao - one of the coaches from the christian school came up and asked if Tao was Chinese, I told him his story and we got to chatting.  The cowboy told my friend his parents had been a missionary in Korea.  We chatted with the cowboy some more and the baby gravitated towards him.  I think I have mentioned before but Tao loves being up, and held.  I assured the cowboy it was ok to pick him up.

Now comes the God part!  We asked if he had any kids - one he said and she was 32.  I asked if he had grandkids, because truly this man was wonderful with Tao.   I saw the tears behind his eyes (and I thought oh no don't make him cry in this noisy auditorium filled with wrestling matches and screaming parents LOL).  As he proceeded to tell us this story I watched Tao snuggle against this man's chest, heart to heart and lay quietly, completely at peace.

He proceeded to tell us he got a girl pregnant at 18, and paid for an abortion.  He entered the pro rodeo circuit and knew he would never be home to care for a child.  She couldn't go through with it, and luckily was able to go into a home for unwed mothers.  They cared for her until she delivered the baby. He had to go to court to relinquish his rights as a parent (and it sounds like it was a horrible experience.)  The child found him years later.  She was raised by a doctor and had, had a great life.

And as I stared at this gruff man, in the black hat, snuggling a once unwanted baby, I prayed that this somehow would heal a heart that was still wounded 32 years later.

I assured him that he had made the right and most unselfish decision.

He held that baby for another 30 minutes, as he slept.  Hours later when we left, I sent Tao over to say good bye (he also bought the little boys candy LOL!)

He hugged our little boy, and then quickly left the gym, head down.  I pray for his healing, and marvel at how God can use a tiny 3 year old in the craziest of places.

I know nothing of this man's faith, but I did speak of ours.  IF he isn't a believer I pray that this would open a door for him.

He made it

SO Tao arrived home the 1st of December to a world ready to celebrate Christmas.  I am sure in retrospect it was an amazing time to arrive for him.

What we didn't realize is that the dates people start putting up their trees and lights would coincide with his adoption date.

This is my little guy who has eagerly gone off to preschool everyday even the first one with a huggie and a kiss and never looking back.  On the 18th as we excitedly celebrated his hope day ("gotcha") we had a very special breakfast and the kids expressed how thrilled they were he was part of the family.  He clung to my leg at school drop off and then I found out he cried for 2 of the 3 hours - oh no!

We had seen him getting a little more subdued and/or clingy since Sunday.  We couldn't figure out how he knew, how much he remembered but marveled as we drove to dinner on Sunday and he explained "Christmas Trees" as he saw lit ones.

COuld he possibly remember that day a year ago when his life changed so drastically?  Most say it's impossible for him at 3 1/2 but he is pretty bright.  I wondered if his soul felt it as he spent a year in the orphanage, then just over a year in foster.  Did he wonder if there would be more changes as another year passed.  Or was it the Christmas trees - the one thing he related to first coming home.

And for me, my heart just broke.  I just reassured him, held him, and continuously reminded him of us all sharing the same last name, as well as we are a family and would always be together.

It's so good so see his little impish self back to normal.  And today in the car he explained

"Mom, me made it!!"

"what, TaoTao?"

"Me Made it, mom"

"Do you mean you made it home sweet boy?"

"Yes, momma me made it home!"

And I just sat in the parking lot and cried.

Emerging

My new favorite saying is "The days are long but the years are short." 

I think all mom's have a special place in their heart for their oldest.  THe baby who changed the dynamics of the household from a couple - two individuals living a life together but fully capable of caring of themselves ~ to a family.  When a tiny little baby enters the picture- in our case fulfilling a dream we were unsure would happen - helpless, needy, and in so many cases forgiving of so many mistakes.

AS I look at the young man who turns 15 today, I can hardly figure out in my mind how this tiny baby born with so many possible complications is now taller than I.

Despite his size, it is heart, his gentle spirit that we are most proud of.  This boy of ours who had not walked into a church until 3rd grade now hears God calling him and my humanness realizes I must step aside.

I can honestly say that the changes we have seen in our boy over the last three years have been amazing.  Our journey through adoption and his two trips to China has opened up his eyes, it has shrunk the world, and dare I say lit a fire in his adventurous spirit.  It is so fitting that our oldest shares his birthdate with our official adoption date for Tao.

I know there will be many more nights of worry ahead, but also feel an excitement for what the future holds.  I know that there will be bumps along the way, and desperately pray for smooth sailing.  But already the man we see emerging astonishes us everyday.

The boy who hates pictures, I absolutely love this from his big hands to his adoring look

One Year - Tao

One year ago this picture we prayed over for months 

Became our youngest son and truly our greatest blessing.

The child we tried to ignore,

excuse out of our lives even though God was making it VERY clear the direction we needed to go.

We were afraid, terrified in fact,

but nothing like the tiny boy sitting in the huge chair by himself. 

So shut down, so scared

Our oldest and our youngest - Tao bonded quickly with him and would have nothing to do with me.

I was beyond worried.

And the intense sadness,

the loss this little one experienced.

It is profound to think,

my heart still aches to think we caused him so much pain.

And one year later our little "fisher of men" has changed so much.

He is pure joy,

He absolutely is now a momma's boy

He is inquisitive.

And those dimples we had no idea existed,

well, they are gorgeous and almost always present.

A child who sat for over a year on the shared list,

listed with 5 different diagnoses,

all sounding scary,

passed over by so many others.

Sitting, & waiting,

to become a brother,

a friend,

a blessing,

a Son!

His Story (part 2) - finding a son.

Part 1 is here

So we found the giant ladybug in our towels after we evacuated due to the Black Forest fires this past summer.

We were out of our house for 4 1/2 days and during that time I had little computer access.

When we arrived back at our home it was in shambles - you could physically see the panic and stress we had encountered trying to evacuate all of our kids and some assemblance of important belongings.

This was now the middle of June and Darwin was weighing heavily on my heart.  I decided to call Madison and see if there was any news etc.  As I searched my email for their number I saw an email I had missed on the the 6th of June.  It was an email from Madison Adoption Associates not only checking in with us but also telling us that the orphanage was willing to waive the orphanage fee on top of his large agency grant.

I know that God's timing is perfect and I marveled at the lost email.  After the devastation of the previous week our last barrier - really our last humanly excuse as to why not to follow God's request was gone.

I made one very important phone call and then I called my husband at work to tell him.  

Heehee I was also done being patient so in the same breath I told him the social worker would be over on Thursday.  Even now I laugh and am astonished at my boldness and in retrospect know it was God's hand.  I remember holding my breath as the line went silent - full well knowing I could cancel the appointment, but praying with all my being that he would be available both in schedule and heart.

And you know what he WAS!!

We received PA on 7/15 and we were DTC this past week. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I could say that this was the end of our story but it wasn't.  AS the long summer months drug on I started to doubt.  I think that is why God wanted me to be patient - so that it all was HIM!  So I wouldn't have the what if's start to creep into my mind - I mean really who has 7 kids, how were we ever going to put all of these kids through college, and his age 10 years old and only in the 2nd grade God HOW can I do this.

I worried and fretted on my own.  Was this a rescue, was this my humanness and my personal heart trying to fix the world or was this truly God's will.  As friends continued to encourage me I had a nagging doubt and a fear that almost troubled my soul.  I didn't see the things in this boy others did.  

I did NOT feel bonded or any emotion towards his picture at all and that worried me fiercely. 

I desperate prayed for the same feelings I had for Tao's picture as well as Cav and Fei's.  I wanted to go to China and already feel bonded to him, in love with him with the desire of a momma's heart.  

Was I making the BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life?

Oh the worry I carried for the summer months.  The prayers that God would comfort my heart, to find something in his file that meant something to me, to rest my worrying heart.

I couldn't even imagine backing out on this kid, so we just put one foot in front of the other and the process moved quickly (which did confirm a little this is what God wanted us to do.)  Mid August, the nagging in my head (lets call it for what it is Satan) got to be to much.

I pulled up every single email I could find about Darwin.  I reviewed each one until I got to the one from March that had his Chinese and English files.  Darwin was a little unique as this kid has been on the shared list since 2008!  Hidden in the 45 page Chinese file was his complete 2008 file and on page 27 and 28 God calmed my heart.

Instead of the heavy kid with bad teeth I had seen in his English file

 I found my son.

Hidden in that file I found a boy (6 or 7) with such a shocking to resemblance to Tao (3) that I knew he was ours.

You see even the Chinese questioned Tao's nationality.  I finally had to us amy phone to translate that he was a Chinese orphan we were adopting as no one could figure out why we were there.  Darwin and Tao are just one province away from each other on the southern border.   I am sure the chances they are related are astronomical but what if.

So we race to our finish line, still afraid of the education piece but knowing fully and completely that God not only has this, but our new son is completely His will.

Blessed

What a Blessed day we spent yesterday.

It was Tao's first Halloween and that boy is a rockstar.  None of the fear, or overstimulation we experienced with Cav (He did well also which was the truest blessing.)  His little personality shined as he commented and talked with each new homeowner.  I have to believe my little fisher of men renewed people's spirits and brought them joy.  He is also the biggest class disrupter but how blessed we were that our teachers love him and encourage his presence.

I finally broke out the sewing machine after 3 years and made them all outfits

Made minion marshmellow pops for 3 classes (Cav's class only did healthy belch heehee)
These were super easy and when I had to race home was quickly able to make 5 more!

THe preschool party was an easy success and all the littles had fun!

Cav's party was earlier than last year so i got to just be a mom in his class!

Our little class disrupter

Brahm's cute teacher loving our baby! (and yes I lost my mind and let them purchase a fart gun!)

I still haven't figured out the big family thing completely.  With 3 ~ I always made the special snacks, was room mom and made outfits.  Reason would stand that with twice as many I could do half as much but truly God has blessed me in still being able to provide my momma's desires with joy and not feel overwhelmed or stressed.

Halloween is always a bit different for our house - mainly because we live in a community that has all 5 acre plots of land.  There is an official don't come to our doors rule for our community.  Luckily, every year we are Blessed by friends who recognize this and invite us over - THis year our bigs went on their own with friends - which was bittersweet to say the least.

It was fun though to be at our friends home and open the door to squeals from the children, the laughter and sense of community as the streets were filled with children and even the community firetruck came by.

Today in bible study a friend uttered such profound words.

May we always knock on God's door with the eagerness of a child and utter anticipation everything He gives to us is good.

Dwarfism Awareness ~ Little Football

When Brahm was a toddler I distinctly remember crying about how unfair it is that God gave our poor disabled boy a heart for sports (yeah we have come a long way.)

Now it's more of a matter of finding sports he can play without further damaging his joints.

Some children with dwarfism can play almost any sport

Some children with dwarfism are very limited on the types of sports they can play (most specifically those who had the neck surgery Fei did and those that have spinal issues.)

And then we have Brahm who suffers from joint pain

and because the round ends of bones are jagged 

we have to protect his joints. 

A break especially near the epiphysis could be detrimental.

So we find sports,

weigh his heart, mind and body

and give him a chance to try.

Mind you at 7 he only weighs 33 lbs LOL!

Anyhow, flag football was our newest try

AND he loved it!!

He actually did great on defense ~ mainly because his mind was so amazing and he gets the game

and we had to laugh at him trying to block etc.

And our Tao - well he is another sport kid.

One of my all time favorite pics - he is trying to get Fei to hold the ball

think Chuck and Lucy from the peanuts LOL!

Dwarfism Awareness - worldly futures

If left in his country our sweet little guy would NOT have 

gone to school,

had a family,

had a future.

THe saddest part is that this would have been his future at best

Kingdom of the Little People, China

and at worst a beggar except the CHinese discriminate against the dwarfs so much they don't even throw money in their buckets.

Instead the little people we saw hide in the corners as swarms of people pass by never placing anything in their baskets - and it is heartbreaking!

This lady (in yellow) was like looking at our Fei grown up.

Worth it

This child whom we were so scared to pursue

who sat on the shared list forever,

who brings so much joy to our lives,

who has shown us how perfect adoption can be.

"Commit you way to the Lord,

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun"

                                                                    Psalm 37:6

Saying Yes!

This little guy has been home almost a year - we kind of hit the ground running AND he truly has been the epitome of the perfect adoption.  

You can't always tell personality just by a photo

We have some moments
He is three
Everything is new
He lost everything he ever knew
We have no information to even share his past with him.

But still he has been amazing.
People all the time look at him
And say - I would love to bring him home
and I smile, remembering how long he sat
and sat, and sat on the shared list.
Passed over for a YEAR!!

And I smile because I know adoption
is NOT always this easy.

I laugh at the forlorn pics we received
during our wait for him.
Not one smile,
no dimples,
no personality.

THe child who HATED me
when we picked him up.
WHo screamed every time I came near.
China was beyond hard ~
for my heart.

But now almost a year later,
after developing tennis elbow on both sides
from carrying my sweet boy,
we feel incredibly blessed.

Our struggles at home were many,
we couldn't imagine having another
hard child in our home.
BUT inexplicable we felt the call.

He truly is our Blessing.
Our fisher of men.
Our Phoenix, who cherishes life,
celebrates each moment with exuberance.

Now that's some good stuff!