Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mastering the past

The further along our adoption journey the more I realize that I have NOT . A . CLUE!!  Thankfully, the internet has opened up a whole new world for us.  When I was going to get my Master's degree, I learned that the secret was not what I knew but knowing where to find the answer.  I have found adoption to be very similar to this.  I thought I knew a lot about raising kids, I have 3 the oldest being 13.  I have a child with special needs, as a nurse I cared for more babies and kids then I could even count, I even taught maternal child classes.

People, I do NOT have a clue!!

This adoption has turned my confidence upside down.  Don't get me wrong, this is NOT a post about how terrible things are, because quite frankly they are going pretty good.  THis is about me, about my belief that I had my sh~t stuff together!

What has brought on this post?


Do you know what it is?
My youngest will be 4 in May?
Why would I have to drag this out of the storage room?

Do you see the teardrops along the side?
Because frankly that is how I feel ~

Do you see those incredibly sweet, dark eyes?

Almost 3 years later THESE eyes now look back at me every night

Every night when I give him THIS ~

Yep, against everything I KNOW!

Cav, saw a bottle AND freaked 
Not a bad freak but such a craving freak.

Like when us Moms . . ok ME . . has a bad afternoon and NEED chocolate.
That was the look on his face when he saw a BOTTLE!

It was heartbreakingly sad.

 So against everything I had ever learned, I searched on RQ to see what other moms said and some very wise women said it might be good for bonding.  I went and found the oldest formula I could find (heehee and read the directions since we never used formula at my house and in the hospital it comes premixed LOL!)

He gets a bottle before bed, I hold him like a baby .  .  .  ok a very large baby, and talk to him so he will look in my eyes.  At first he desperately drank at the bottle.  Again with the heartbreak.  You could just tell that he never grew out of the bottle it just disappeared one day.  Now he'll drink what he wants and we leave the rest.

He still doesn't know how to actually hug,
He wipes off my kisses . . every single time!
But we have a special time,
and a very small part of me feels like I am fulfilling a need from long ago.


  1. We do the same for our four year old son, adopted last April. He still sucks it down super fast. I use infant formula for him. He loves it. :-)

  2. Same thing for my newly adopted 6 year old....bottle....I did it the time before with our daughter too.

  3. Awww! Your such a good mommy! Seriously, your doing the right thing giving him this. He's still mourning and this will help him with his losses. Poor baby has lost so much. Your a good mommy for figuring out what he needs. Holding time is one of the most therapeutic things you can do for him!

  4. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? It will take time, but it will come! My daughter took an entire year before she would lay her head on my shoulder (and she was half the age of your son when we brought her home). This morning she told me, "I don't want to grow up, Mom, so I'll always fit on your lap!"
    We've come a LONG way, thank you God!