Purposeful Angel

I have to just say it has been one of those tough heart wretching days that also brings you into the very arms of our Father and we see for jsut a sec a clarity to our lives, our purpose and why our particular lives matter - atleast for the moment.

We met with the neurosurgeon and our worst fears, the very worst case scenerio for adopting a child with dwarfism has come true.  I almost hesitate to utter the words out loud for fear that someone may decide not to adopt because our reality may jsut possible become theirs.  Fei is the first child that we know of from China to come home and require this surgery.

I didn't realize that my fear of the worst case scenerio would rock my world like it did - I mean really we jsut went through amputation surgery - how can this be worse.  And yet it is our hearts - those of her daddy and I.  This child of ours who has been with us less then most people are pregnant.  This child who smiles rainbows and like a first born changed our family forever.

So we sat waiting for the neurosurgeon, sure that he would not meet the standards of this psychotic mother.  Silently I prayed the news would be good but I guess deep down inside I knew otherwise.

First in walked a med student (as a nurse I always am happy to let them learn about our kids as they are rare and we hope it will help someone else some day.)  As I was answering his questions in walked the strangest little man I immediately felt the same as I do when I am with Brahm.  I still can't explain it but all of sudden I had a comfort of familiarity and this little man with the wild hair, and twinkle was the neurosurgeon.  He gave me the news I feared the most, took a minute as I began to cry, and even assured the psychotic mother part as I heard myself asking about a surgeon thousands of miles away.

He checked her, he spoke of the good, and then he gave us two options.  But he also didn't mince words.  Doing surgery now would prevent the possibility of worse things in the future.  He answered questions, we talked and I still couldn't shake the feeling of a grown up Brahm*

One good part of traveling an hour and half to the hospital is that I have time to think, talk to others and calm myself.  I called a very special person and I hope to never forget her words.  We jsut might be the angel that the mothers of our once abandoned children prayed for.  ME?  An Angel?  But you know maybe jsut maybe if this is my purpose on this earth and you know that's pretty incredible.

I have struggled for months with the WHY of FeiFei.  With so many children sitting in orphanages why was she the one who came into my email.  She had a foster family who loved her beyond belief (we have email contact and they grieved for months for her.)  And now I know.  They would never have caught this until it was to late.  Even now I am so grateful for the neglect that led to her flat head.  It means that she wasn't sat up as a baby, causing more damage to her fragile spine.

Does our heart still break for our sweet girl who will have to go through this surgery - absolutely.  But I know God is walking alongside our family, carrying us when we need it, and cheering us on the rest of the way.

*For those that haven't met Brahm, he is almost magical.  It is so hard to explain and I thought it was a dwarf thing for a long time, but there is something about him that almost makes you finger tips tingle, and you know viscerally know he was made for greatness.  It's an unspoken but I have never seen a child even a baby get into people's souls like Brahm.  Truthfully most people pale in comparison to him, and THAT is why I was so stunned to have this reaction to the Dr.