Being brave in the brokenness

The number one comment both good and bad was HOW we could have adopted again after bringing Cav home and having so many issues.

Whether you agree or not is fine -
You have to do what is right for your family,
and we did what was right for our family.

Was it crazy - YEP!
Would I suggest it - probably not.

BUT we are very strong in our faith, and we knew for a fact that God called us to adopt Tao.
It scared me to death.
I begged God the entire process,
"Dear Lord I can NOT do another adoption like we just did."

And you know what . . . God knew exactly what I needed at that time.

See, I have learned that adding Tao was not another mouth to feed,
or another poor orphan to deal with,
or that we adopted him with an agenda.

We did not - in fact we knew it was crazy,
Tao's file was a disaster,
For those that have forgotten this beautiful baby we committed to adopting was listed at 6 months old,
we found him at the mid bottom of the shared list,
A YEAR LATER.
He was unwanted, his 5+ diagnoses scary at best.
We had no other agenda for him, except to get him the medical care we thought he needed.

And 2 years later I have learned several things,
God wasn't wrong -
Our family needed Tao, to bring the sunshine into our rainy days.
Even on our worst days, it's his fat little hands patting me and giving me a hug that I remember.

He proved to us how right adoption can be.
He became a barometer for Cav,
an emulator of sorts.

Tao's sweet spirit healed all of us.
I can honestly say without Tao,
we would never have been brave enough to pursue Dawson.

So yes, to the rest of the world adopting Tao was crazy,
many tell us we should never have adopted again until we got Cav settled and figured out
(If I lived by that belief I would have had ONE child BTW.)
Someone always has an issue, a friend issue, a school issue, a crappy start in life issue, a medical issue.

The truth is the world will NEVER be perfect to adopt.
Our messy lives will NEVER be perfect enough.
We won't EVER have enough money,
enough room,
enough,
enough,

But that simple act of saying YES,
somehow fills all those enoughs,
or disposes of them.

I often think of Moses, did you know he wasn't eloquent or quick of speech.  He must have thought God was crazy not to pick someone better to do his work.  But you know Moses did amazing things, and God provided for him to do His work.

(Cav is still doing great on his meds, the MTHFR results were shocking to say the least but we have started him on a medication that is already processed Folic Acid - we will see if this makes any other difference.)

Finding Grace

God has really been working on us over the past 6 months and finally I was brought to my knees and God and I had a heart to heart.  My cries that NO - I am not going one more step forward until HE gave us answers for Cav.

We are talking on my knees,

screaming at God,

WHY GOD!

Are we to stupid to give up,

I know for a fact that YOU God sent us to this child,

but I can NOT,

NOT,

NOT,

do this alone.

My heart aches for this child,

he plays by himself,

he is always angry, or raging, this is no way for a child to live.

I want to see him smile God.

I want him to be able to play with the other kids.

And on, and on, and on.

And finally. . . 

Our prayers have been answered.

THREE LONG YEARS later.

Am I mad as hell that the answer could be found in a bottle,

that No one else thought to try this when he first came home and raged for more hours than he didn't.

BUT I have to believe that there is a reason,

that God has buffered our boys heart.

So we are cautiously optimistic that we are on the right path.

And the change in Cav has been shocking.

Even his dad mentioned his facial features have even changed!!

We also did the MTHFR test - we haven't started treating it but Cav tested positive for both cardiac AND neurologic.  It explains MANY, MANY things including the odd smell to his urine, and even blood.  He does NOT break down folic acid AT ALL!

I tell you this because I don't want someone else to have to go through 3 years of hell trying to find an answer.

Can you see the glow!!

 

Getting our girl back

OK before we begin lets get a few things clear - I am tired of the judgement, the negative comments and the expectation from a few people that adoption is only unicorns and rainbows, because it's NOT.  Adoption is messy business, and if people had written about the difficulties we would have been more prepared when we went to get Cav.  In addition, I don't particularly care what YOU think about how many kids we have - let me ONLY say we can afford our children.   God did NOT call us to adopt because we were perfect, oh no we are the most broken of his people.  However, we answered His call believing He would give us the resources to walk this journey.  I am taking back control of MY blog - If you leave an inappropriate and judgmental comment you will deleted.

I really stopped blogging last year when we had to take this little girl out of school for very poor choices.  We home schooled her, and she became my shadow.  

(I also learned I suck at homeschooling LOL)

With everything we have gone through with Cav, I was shocked we were seeing the same things from her.  The worst part was she had the most loving foster family - to a fault, they didn't prepare her for adoption, and in fact when the SWI called her back they both (Fei and foster mom) both threw such a fit, they returned her until we arrived in China.

When Fei was 5 months home and had enough language she looked at us and said "China momma no come get me?"  For 5 months she looked out the window everyday waiting for the woman she loved, to come get her.  As she got more language, we learned that the foster mom had told her to get in the car and don't cry, that she would come get her shortly.  Oh my heart hurts to hear these events.

And then we made THE biggest mistake of our lives.  See she is our best sleeper and our most mild tempered child - so we put her in the room with Cav.

AND she began acting out worse and worse, and we were at a loss.

And a vicious cycle began until that day last February, when I pulled her from school.

And then I read a FB post that said to NEVER have a RAD kid share a room EVER!

So we changed rooms, and made her the cutest little room out of our library loft.

And summer came and we had some pretty desperate times.  A trip where I should have, could have, would have but didn't.  I began second guessing myself as a parent - 2 kids with major issues - how could I survive this God.  That trip brought me to my knees.  

But we saw glimpses of hope.  

So we made the decision to send her to a much smaller school, where the kids looked more like her and the days were centered around her native language (she didn't remember anymore.)  And we made a pact, if she worked hard, and relearned Mandarin then at 18 we would pay for her to return to China.  (we had always tried to explain that her dwarfism prevented that as an option.)

Almost a year later, I dare say we have our girl back.  

It has been a journey, we have both grown from it.  

We have given her a voice, and a confidence to walk away from those hurting her.  

We have gained her trust that we won't leave her and she can tell us when someone is hurting her.

Although this year has been hard with Cav we learned we were not crazy when we suspected he was victimizing her - telling her over and over how no one loved her.  Talking her into stealing for him, until she lost herself.  

Oh my heart hurts to even write this.  

And I know what you are thinking, but even the teacher at school, who is aware, missed him doing this at school ~ twice.  He is very quiet, almost under his breath, and almost like a hum type mantra.  We missed hearing it with the highest tech monitor in their room.  All we saw were the results.

I SHARE this because others need to know this - I refuse to allow this girls experience go for naught. 

And yes she is an orthodontists dream LOL!!

Room Sharing - 3 boys

I have to say the number one hardest thing we have encountered adopting 4 kids in the last few years was trying to figure out bedrooms, clothing storage and sleeping arrangements.

When we were preparing to bring Cav and Fei home - we made her room up in the darling mermaid sea life - and Cav was in the room with Brahm

For that year Cav rotated between the room with Brahm and our bedroom (Cav roamed the halls at night and would either wake everyone up or steal us blind.)

When we were in process for Tao, we put a tiny toddler bed in with Fei and it again was so cute!!

Because of the continued problems with Cav and no one sleeping we tried Fei in with Brahm (he had a bunkbed and a trundle), and Cav by himself in his own room and Tao in our bedroom.

Then the biggest mistake of our lives we put Cav and Fei in a room together (she snores rather loudly and was keeping Brahm and Tao up ugh .  .  .  .  Cav basically spent the entire time brainwashing her to steal for him, and that no one in the family loved her.  I am sad to say it took us about 6 mos to catch on and another almost 18 mos to get her back.  (I hesitate mentioning this but unfortunately his teacher has witnessed him doing the same to some of the children at school who are more needy in spirit.)

SO…..

We emptied my hubby's loft study (upstairs) put up curtains and made it into a darling room just for her.  It has made a huge difference and I believe we finally have our girl back.

The little boys room had the pottery barn bunks we had found on craigslist.

When Dawson came home we just put him on the unused top bunk.  Although he is small, he weighs a ton, and every time he would turn it would wake Brahm up and eventually Tao - grrr seriously people.

Since Dawson is older and well, used to kids from orphanages we tried him in Cav's room.

Yeah - today we found that Cav stole all of Dawson's Christmas presents and either ate or broke them.

So as I was talking to my hubby about what to do, it dawned on me the bunks were originally made to be separated!!

I had my big kids help me and with a few rearrangements this is what we came up with.  I LOVE it!  and I think - HOPE, PRAY this will be the final arrangement for a bit LOL!

Luckily, our rooms in the house are large, unfortunately the closets are small and the number of bedrooms are few - BUT I have resigned myself that Cav MUST have a room to himself for the mental safety of our other kids.   Luckily, we finally have an appt with someone to help us with him in just about 2 weeks.

Light during the holidays

I think our bio kids are tired - it has been 3 Christmas interrupted with adoption stuff.

They remember the Christmas's we used to have, hoards of presents - every new item imaginable.  Not because we were wealthy but because we spent all year saving up and shopping sales.  We always also adopted a family we gave to - it was our excuse to feel better about our blessings.

Then we traveled over 2 holidays and last year was just a disaster.

So I sat here trying to make it up to them, buying, buying, volunteering, spending.

And then it hit me the other night as we drove through town, sipping our starbucks treat and looking at the lights.  It's the little things, the wonder, the experience, the proof there is still hope in this world.

So we cherished each gasp from our 4 year old as the lights flashed and twinkled.  We paired that with explanations of how it worked for our newly home 12 year old.  Children all through the car shouting look, look here.

Seven children and 16 years of parenting have softened me to a degree.

This old controlling mom would never have caved and not only made gingerbread play dough from scratch BUT ran all over town so they had play dough rollers and tools so they could finally play with it at home!  Our double 12 year olds playing along side the baby - playing and creating, running to show me their newest project.

It's our 16 year old helping at the preschool party - making his own gingerbread cookie.  The gifts may be different but I have to believe that these are the things that he will carry with him as he enters the world.

Going anywhere during the holidays can be crazy but the world seems to slow just a tiny bit as we walk past, people stop to smile at our deeply dimpled joy, our tiny princess and the rest of the clan.  We pray that as they see our children they remember that God uses the broken to do his work.  That He reaches into the farthest corners of the world and brings hope.

Halloween catch up

Not sure if JBF - just between friends - sale is national but man I love that sale!!  Sell old items, barter for an early shopping pass and buy amazing items!!

Besides getting lots of school uniforms for our kiddos attending the Mandarin immersion school - I found all of these except Fei's (well she got a beautiful snow white costume but that didn't meet the theme.)

Heehee Dawson's English teacher pulled me aside a few days before Halloween as he told her we made him a potato LOL!

And Morgan went with all of her friends - who were all princess's.  I just couldn't see spending tons of money and time making a ball gown she would wear once so this was our compromise - Belle before!

Halloween was a crazy day - as our family has gotten bigger, I have had to change how I do things.  

I have backed down to being room mom for only one class. 

 I was super excited to help out my friend whose daughter is in the am class because they were IN CHINA getting their son!!  So two parties for preschool meant missing the harvest fest at the mandarin school but we sent "pumpkin" cups made from butterscotch pudding and green airheads for stems (apparently I didn't get an pics LOL!)

 Tao and Cav's class got mummies made from squeezey apple sauce and were super cute 

We also changed up how we did Halloween - I know horrors.  Our oldest had a football game at 7 pm (2 hours away)  In addition, because we have so many food and begging issues with Cav and Fei we thought having them go to doors beg for food and get candy was … well. . . insane.

So I got them pizza, made them each up a treat basket with candy, bracelets, pencils etc and they got a NEW movie.  Plus kettle corn because our Chinese kids especially LOVE popcorn LOL!

It was a crazy hard decision but ultimately they loved it, we got to go to the game and watch our oldest, and Brahm got to be ball boy for the varsity game!

Tak is #53!

From Calamity to calm

I know I have been lacking on the blogging front  - severely -
and you know why . . . . because it is actually GOOD!

We found some homeopathic medication for Cav that reduces anxiety, by the end of the summer I was at my wits end with the constant rages.  Imagine your worst 2 year old temper tantrum EVER and then times that by 20 a day.

So I was ready to quit (but since somehow that is not on the mother's list of options) I was trying everything that possibly worked for anyone on my FB groups for really hard kids.  I bought books, I researched treatments, I talked to EMDR specialists.  THen we tried the L-theanine supplements (whole foods)

A week later we experienced our FIRST sunday as a family where we didn't have a fit - NOT one.  My husband looked at me with wide eyes and said "I don't want to mention it BUT I think those meds are working!!"

That was August and 2 months later I think we are finally in a place of being able to enjoy our whole family.

I feel really bad knowing almost all of his issues - to the point others advised he may have high functioning autism - were almost exclusively based upon anxiety.  Hmmm, it makes sense though.

I am NOT saying its unicorns and rainbows but can I tell you the first time he actually cried - a heartfelt normal cry - I bawled.

It's really hard to think he has been here almost 3 years.  In many ways it has flown by - in others it has grown and stretched me in ways I could NEVER have thought possible.  Adoption IS about growth - MINE.

So we moved several of our kids to the mandarin immersion school - we left Cav at the K-12 down the street.  I am not sure I ever mentioned but he developed a lateral lisp learning english so he receives speech therapy.  In addition, because Cav was alingual until we got him at 3.5 years there is an expectation that he will have comprehension issues as school work get harder.  And frankly - his life in China sucked (I am so sorry but there is no other word).  

So he basically is in the elementary school by himself, and I believe not having siblings around all the time has also decreased his stress.

However, as with any child, first grade is hard.  He is actually pretty darn smart in math which we are so excited for him!  However, the independence of 1st grade is causing some issues.  I love his teacher as she is willing to be educated and so she has implemented boundaries for him, encourages adults not to be his only social interaction.

There are many parts that break my heart for him.  We often talk through how to act around the other kids at school.  Thankfully the kids treat him no different (except when appropriate) due to his legs.  We went back to school and they all came running, excited to see him after the summer, and he just blew most of them off.  

Tao is 2 years younger but still higher developmentally than Cav.  It's both good and I am sure hard to have this tiny terror who has all the social skills Cav does not.

On the leg front - we were fortunate to meet the man who designed the tail for Dolphin Tale.  He actually felt Cav could handle a hydraulic knee.  In classic Cav fashion he learned to walk on the thing in about 3 passes of the room.  He also was so responsible and took his legs off before going into the sandbox.  So in September when he couldn't even walk anymore we were at a loss.  A trip to Denver to see our leg man resulted in a blown hydraulic cylinder ugh - really Cav 3 months LOL!  THe unfortunate part is the only tool in the US is broken so they had to send it to Germany.  Luckily they sent us a loaner!!

So continue to pray for this boy of ours.  He is proof that there is definite redemption in adoption but the cost can be so high with some of our kids.