People were so excited for us to be home but I couldn't answer the phone. I wondered how long I could stay under my covers without facing the new world we had created. I was in a very bad place.
Just now almost 2 years later, I look back and feel like I had been underwater that whole time, holding my breath. Working so hard to just stay alive, keep from ruining our family, that when people wanted to know what to do to help I couldn't even imagine.
I definitely did NOT want them coming to my house, it was beyond shambles and I was so embarrassed. Never mind the haunting thought that Cav would start raging or even worse they would find one of his disgusting events I had missed.
My brain was so unfocused, my entire body was numb, walking one step in front of the other.
Now I know that I/ we were in fact normal. God was truly carrying us, and we should have let his followers the body of Christ in to help.
If you have a friend who has newly adopted or even within the last 2 years this is an incredible article on how to help!
I finally feel like we are swimming out of that abyss. For those that are having a hard time please know that through all of that struggle, through all of that fear of having done the wrong thing, of ruining my family. I am here to tell you that the contrary is true.
We all grew over that journey.
Our kids, the people they are today are not who they were 2 years ago. Their understanding, their compassion I can only stand in awe.
I truly believe God allowed us to show our humanness - versus the supermom powers we all try to portray so that others around us can let down their guard.
For those in the struggle, especially those who have experienced the heart wrenching loss of dear friends, know that He will bless you with new ones who love you for who you are.
It is an amazing journey, take a breath, relax, you were made for this very moment.