Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A change of thought

Growing up I had very little self esteem.

I am an introvert at heart but because of family dynamics was taught how to be an extrovert.

THose tests you take in school - yeah the teachers and professors always look at them with a befuddled look - At over 40 I am a classic case of nature versus nurture.

Sometimes that low self esteem still gripes me hard, and I have to force my self to move forward, to look at the underlying reasons to my reactions, to analyze.

Truthfully, I loved having little kids, because I always felt that holding them created a sort of a shield for me.  The attention drawn to one angelic far and off of my own.

It gave others an instant conversation topic.

(Don't get me wrong, I love babies anyhow, even as a young teen I loved how they curl up, the dimples in their hands and the softness of their spirit.)

Then God started working, in our lives, in our home and in ME!

When Brahm was a toddler, the attention shift began to turn back to me - people looking for answers why this seemingly newborn was walking, sitting etc.

I learned my pat answers and moved on.

Then we added more and more kids - all with visible SN.

AS the looks and comments came more and more, I felt myself drawing in further and further.

Taking less trips outside of our boundaries.

Staying where others knew our family, and didn't comment.

Almost growling at comments when we were out - like a preschooler on a very bad day.

A dear person was out on one of these very bad days, and I watched in amazement as she talked to one of these people who I thought was making fun of our kids - piled onto our double/triple stroller like some traveling circus.

THen the words came - she is amazing, what an inspiration, an absolute joy.

My breath almost caught - had I been so focused on myself that I forgot God's calling?

Had I reverted back to my low self esteem days and saw the smiles not as kindness but of jeers?

Over the past year - I have tried hard to change my thinking.

Our children are a blessing.
People smile because like babies and puppies they speak of JOY!
Of God's work on earth,
of HOPE.


  1. We get the looks all the time, but not because our daughter has a special need that can be seen. I think people are trying to figure out how we got her and so forth. I don't mind the questions. I see it as an opportunity to educate them. God is using you for his purposes which is to show other love has no boundries.

  2. I'm one of those smilers. I tried to adopt for about 2.5 years (prior to having a bio child), but it just didn't work out and I finally had to face the realization that there were other plans for my life. I often see conspicuous adoptive families out and about....and I catch myself smiling and watching them. It isn't out of fears or questions or gawking to mock, it is because I'm picturing the life I THOUGHT was supposed to be mine. I still think about the many faces I saw on all the special focus lists, and I feel very relieved when I see that there is one less on the list and one more with their loving families.