Saying Yes!

This little guy has been home almost a year - we kind of hit the ground running AND he truly has been the epitome of the perfect adoption.  

You can't always tell personality just by a photo

We have some moments
He is three
Everything is new
He lost everything he ever knew
We have no information to even share his past with him.

But still he has been amazing.
People all the time look at him
And say - I would love to bring him home
and I smile, remembering how long he sat
and sat, and sat on the shared list.
Passed over for a YEAR!!

And I smile because I know adoption
is NOT always this easy.

I laugh at the forlorn pics we received
during our wait for him.
Not one smile,
no dimples,
no personality.

THe child who HATED me
when we picked him up.
WHo screamed every time I came near.
China was beyond hard ~
for my heart.

But now almost a year later,
after developing tennis elbow on both sides
from carrying my sweet boy,
we feel incredibly blessed.

Our struggles at home were many,
we couldn't imagine having another
hard child in our home.
BUT inexplicable we felt the call.

He truly is our Blessing.
Our fisher of men.
Our Phoenix, who cherishes life,
celebrates each moment with exuberance.

Now that's some good stuff!

Griffen - 1 month

Can you believe it - a month and I lack the words to express what this child means to me.

In January, when Brahm looked at me and said "You know you left my twin in China*."  I am sure I looked at him like he had 4 heads.  We were in the midst of our struggles with Cav, and truly the very last thing on our mind was adding one more.

BUT, God had other plans and we FINALLY listened - to our children.  They played a very big role in seeing what we could not.

I MUSt tell you that I am fairly new in the faith, and somewhere along the line I equated that

A Leap of Faith = hard times.

Now that we have this little angel, I can truly say that although I knew God would hold my hand and support me through this journey - it NEVER occurred to me that

A Leap of Faith = my greatest Blessing.

By saying this I am not negating our other children, and I am not saying he is our favorite

BUT

there is something about this little guy.

talking after a diaper change

He seems to be the key that completes EVERY one of us.

THe baby we were NOT even sure was alive when we sent our paperwork,
weren't sure of a diagnosis,
didn't know his size,
had never seen his smile,
or his dimples.
And expected the worst

He is now our SON,
he loves to talk,
he is smart,
he wears 9 month clothing,
weighs 20 lbs,
and is not even on the dwarf charts,
he gathers others to him,
and we think God sent him to do some work. (different post)
And we have found the best.

 * Although BRahm and Griffen are born 4 years apart - the twin comment intrigued me. 
We looked at several other children with closer birthdates, and even checked the shared list for his birthdate to no avail.  These are the answers we have figured out so far.  All I know is God used one very special little boy to help his parents see God's plan for them.

~ The meaning of the names Brahm & Tao are very similar - basically the way to peace or the answer

~ Brahm always affected others in a way I have never seen before - Tao is the same if not more.

~ One day as I sat with Griffen's picture on my computer screen, it was in such a position that when I looked up, I saw Brahm's baby picture and Griffen's - they are almost identical.  Mainly their big eyes.

FeiFei - 1 year

Sorry, things are crazy here and this was supposed to go up the day after Cav's.

FeiFei came to us after a 5 hour car ride and stopping at 3 other hotels to drop off the other cildren she had traveled with.  Wanna talk about a disaster waiting to happen ugh!

We would find out months later (June) that her foster mother must have said something to get Fei into the car that made her (Fei) believe this was temporary and she would be coming to get her.  Wanna talk about a disaster waiting to happen ugh!

We had been told when we got LOA (in Sept) that FeiFei had been returned to the orphanage awaiting our arrival (you know in Dec).  Apparently she threw such a fit (or the foster mom did) they returned her until the "big black car" came.

So a beautiful little girl arrived wearing 4 pairs of pants, 3 shirts, a thick coat, with her hair all done up and two huge bags full of vitamins, food, candy, toys - you name it.  And we were puzzled.  She was 3 hours late and Cav had already made himself at home (this would become an issue later and a warning to other dual adoption parents.)  ANyhow, it was dinner time, we were already in shock over Cav, but had been awaiting our princess.

The kids were so excited!

Fei was beyond frightened.

The orphanage workers were tired.

THey gave us all of her information in a matter of fact manner in our cramped little hotel room, and then left.  No sooner had that door closed then her wide eyes turned into alligator tears - she ran for the door - and the most heartbreaking guttural scream came from her little body.  (I had to go with them to get something and I heard her in the elevator).  I was heart broken as those elevator doors closed, praying the other 4 would be able to calm her (daddy and our 3 bio kids).  Iquickly finished my work and literally ran back to our room.  All was silent.  I walked in and our poor terrified girl was sound asleep on our daughter - all f her clothes on, her fingers tightly clenched around her backpack.

I prayed, and slept, and woke, and prayed.  All night I prayed for this little girls heart.

Morning dawned, she looked at us, we handed her food and she. . . gave us a weary smile.  When she saw the big kids & Brahm she smiled big and really things have not slowed down from there. 

 We know that people with dwarfism seem to have a happy gene, and we saw this with her.  She has a zest for life,  that exudes from her very pores.  Her signature smile draws everyone in and all of my months of worry about her disappeared.

And jsut like Cav, no story is always rainbows and unicorns (although she is pretty close LOL)  We know we are blessed.  Cav was so hard and Fei was so easy that she got lost in the shuffle a bit.  What I know now is that we had to really llok for signs of distress in her.  She presents "sad" as acting like a "normal" child - meaning her smile isn't quite as bright.  We have learned to use her pearly whites as our signal LOL!  The happier she is the brighter her smile.

When she was very recently home and I pulled out her book from China (half the sky) she cried and I held her.  But it was hard on both of us, so we put it away for a few months.  The next time was much better.  In June, I found her in her room crying.  She finally said - my China momma no come get me. . . dis my family?  Oh I was crushed.  All those months she must have woken up thinking that today might be the day they were coming.  

We talk about CHina momma alot (foster mom).  It's funny the things that jog her memory.  We have decided to make it a natural part of our conversation.  I have noticed within the past month she really hasn't talked about them so we will see.

She was the child who bawled giant tears when I walked in the door with Griffen.  I had to sit on the stairs with her and remind her - "we are a family, Family ALWAYS comes home."  I think it really was a defining time for her.

Feifei likes food - ALOT!  This has been really our only issue with her - that and her lack of movement which doesn't help with the food issue.  She will still sneak some food, and feels deprived if anyone else had food left on their plate.  She gained almost 5 lbs while I was gone (and this was with instructions not to overfeed her.)  I know, you all can think I am mean BUT her short little legs carry a lot of weight and I would hate for our vivacious little girl to be wheelchair bound or need surgery early because of her weight.  So, I make up everyone's plates and then serve them - Cav needs extra, Brahm has terrible eating patterns, and I give Fei a normal child size serving.  We also talk about focusing on her food instead of zoning out.  Also we try to get her to move a little more.  I am talking about sitting in the same exact spot for hours if we forget.

School - FeiFei was a child who related going to school with a family - so she started prek shortly after coming home.  I had to jump through hoops but luckily got her into the one at our church.  She was completely on target when she came home.  Her teacher finally pulled us to the side and asked if her birthdate was correct - we don't know.  She said well by birthdate she is the youngest and by fine motor skills she was the msot advanced.  She thought Fei was closer to 9 months when found not 3 mos and we concurred.  We won't make any official changes but it helped to decide on sending her to Kindergarten.

I have to tell you this girl in the social aspects is a rockstar.  Everyone loves her!  Academics are coming slowly.  Some concepts she has no issues with and others she can't remember at all!  Our biggest struggle is her freezing when she is questioned.  She gives my this wide eyed look like I am an idiot for questioning her (whether in trouble or how many apples are there.)  We are slowly getting her to understand it is ok to answer even if she doesn't know the answer.

Health - besides her scary surgery she is doing awesome!  She will still probably need her tonsils out but I am putting it on the back burner for a bit longer.  Her breath still is bad, but her snoring has decreased significantly.

There is a special bond with our 3 children with dwarfism.  She and Brahm immediately hit it off as they did with Griffen.

She is truly a blessing and brightens everyones day.

Cav - 1 year

Ya'll can ignore these next few posts if you want LOL but my memory is so bad and this year has been so life changing, I wanted to document in one place
(I recognize that the negative is longer and more detailed than the positive but I never want to forget how bad those first months were and truly how far he has come.)

Today on 12-12-12, will be the one year anniversary of Cav stamping his hand in red ink and becoming our son.  In the days to come, we will have still had reservations if we had made the right decision to bring him home.  Would he destroy our family? Were we equipped to handle his extra special needs?  Was this fair to FeiFei who was actually the "first child" we chose to adopt?  and a thousand other questions in those dark first days.

Our first week was a rollercoaster and exhausting as we had to go to FeiFei's city (2.5 hrs each way) but had been smart enough to leave most of our luggage in Jinan and spend the night.

The hotel we stayed at was a business hotel which must have seen very few white people.  We were the freak show.  It did not help that Cav threw food, screamed, and hit constantly.  We went to a museum and the guide finally told me that they don't discipline their kids (I had left where we were at and took him to the bathroom because he had thrown another temper tantrum.)  In talking to her I realized that the biggest difference is that they have ONE child.  When I had one child things were very different.

By Friday (our last day in JinanI was done
* we were charged for "overuse" of the towels since I wiped up a beverage Cav had spilled
* our guide never thought we needed to feed our kids
* we had paid a 500 RMB bribe for Cav's passport to be on time
* the pillows were literally made out of straw

We prayed that getting to Guangzhou things would be better.

They weren't.

I was sure by then that we were dealing with institutional autism.
*he screamed terrified of the plants
*he screamed terrified at the bronze statues (yeah shamain island was fun
*he screamed terrified at any animal that walked by
* he had explosive diarrhea and numerous accidents (thus the name stink)

We gave ourselves 3 months - this was our safety net.

We arrived home Dec 23rd.
THings were still super hard but they would even get harder as I would come down with pneumonia AND what they think was the Norwalk virus a day and a half later.  I wanted to die.

This is how we found him our first morning home - heartbreaking

And him seeing the man-eating cat which saved us as he roamed the house at night

 AS January dawned we tried hard to find the precious boy we had prayed for all those months.  We had marveled at how incredibly adapt he was at moving despite the fact his legs were useless.  By medical standards he shouldn't have been able to stand on the longer leg - but he did.

We slowly, started focusing on how to make him a little more comfortable, treating his chronic giardia, and make him all around healthier.  Lots of Dr appts.

February we saw the first glimmer of hope.  We noticed one day he had lined up the train tracks - he actually PLAYED!

He had already started school by that time as I knew I jsut couldn't do it, he needed regulation and so it was school or daycare.

I found this one day and cried - they are a picture of our boys

He was still hard - we had to constantly by on guard as his manipulation skills (which helped him survive) were incredible, along with the triangulation and mommy seeking (not me LOL).  On the other hand he was very much a baby.

March - Connected child came - I got a last minute seat and only was able to go one day but it gave me enough hope to invest in Cav for a little longer.  We changed our original deadline to after he had healed form his surgery.

We were seeing tiny steps forward AND he had finally stopped terrorizing our other kids - so we no longer feared for their safety.  We stayed home a lot, it was jsut easier then having to deal with his fits.  My kids dreaded when he would come - even to their games because he was either mommy shopping or screaming.  At home he was stealing, lieing and destroying.

June dawned and he had his much anticipated surgery.  Everyone asks how we prepared him.  We talked often about him getting shoes and showed him dolphin tale.  BUT living in an orphanage where he was very different was probably the best preparation.  He jsut wanted walk, he wanted feet and most importantly he wanted shoes - yeah if that doesn't make you cry thinking about it.

The stinking kid left the hospital less than 48 hours after double amputation surgery!  When people would come in - he would ask if they wanted to see his owie (they would look horrified, but I would smile and nod yes.)  It was his IV he wanted to show them.

EIGHT long weeks in casts as they had to place a rod in the remaining tibia to straighten it.  We went back to Denver new casts about every 10 days.  BUT we began to see a new boy emerge.  We finally began to fall in love with our son, the resilience of the human spirit AND he finally calmed on the mommy shopping LOL!

THis will always be my favorite picture of him - our on guard child looked up and found peace

By Sept - exactly 9 months to the day we signed for him - he received his first set of legs.  Holding onto the parallel bars he got up and walked.  My step dad who was in Vietnam used to talk about POW's reviewing things like golf or piano in their heads while in captivity.  Once they were released they could play beautifully.  THis is our only explanation for Cav besides God.  His gait was perfect, he walked alone in jsut 2 days and he hasn't stopped since.

He also became a brother

His fits have calmed and we can now talk him through it.

Everything he should NOT be able to do he does.  He is so inspirational

THe newest is of course adding Griffen.  Cav is born 5/12/08 and Griffen is 5/13/10.  Griffen seems to have given Cav a purpose.  We are seeing him sit and play with the baby, he will come get me when Griffen is done with his meal.  I am in shock and disbelief that the child we almost didn't bring home because it was jsut to hard in those early months, is now the glue.

AS for language - Cav had almost NO mandaring - they call it alingual.  He didn't say much of anything for months.  We learned partially this was because of his very high seratonin levels (also why he was on guard sleeping those early months).  All of a sudden in May he started talking like crazy.

We think he is at about a 3 year old level (which is awesome since we had to start at newborn when he came home.)  I am not sure if he will ever completely catch up after so many years of "neglect" but I do have hope.  Today one of his classmates said Hi, Cav and without prompting Cav said Hi right back!!

 THings aren't perfect and we still have a long way to go, but a year later we are no longer wondering how long he will be with us.  We have embraced him warts and all LOL!

One year of redemption!

Could it be true - did we really make it through an entire year?

(When your children ask WHY they need to learn about math please tell them about this poor lost momma who can NOT figure out the international date line and when our 1 year mark really is LOL!)

WOW!!

They have learned what it means to 

be a family,

walk,

smile,

listen, 

feel better

be independent,

go to school

They have experienced a thousand firsts and our FAMILY got to cheer them along the way!

Since I am not a rainbow and unicorns kind of person (ok little Griffen is turning me that way LOL!)

I feel I also must write the following.  I went into adoption focused on the Special Need.  Nothing else really mattered.  I read the books, but my mind focused onto the poverty of body not of mind.

This year has been the HARDEST of my life.  A year ago, my husband and I sat and looked with huge eyes ate a boy covered in vomit, covered in bruises, something wrong with his hands, sunken eyes, incredibly pale, and scars all along his torso.  He rocked, screamed, fought and terrorized our family.  We made the hardest decision of our life ~ and ultimately we chose to bring him home, unsure of if we were even equiped to handle his needs.  His real needs - because his special need of malformed legs - were and are the least of his needs.  

Add in a heartbroken little girl who screamed a gutteral cry as she tried to escape the hotel room.  And we wondered what we were thinking.  I had heard "why do Christians adopt" - in those dark days I knew why.  

Without HIM we couldn't have done it.  

We would not have the human strength to face the challenges ahead.  

We still are facing daily challenges.  I no longer get my nails done, I didn't do my hair for months (but decided that I should LOL), I have lost several friends as we have had to institute boundaries (again which should have been in place all along), things have been hard, I didn't think I could make it this far.

BUT ~

When I reflect on this year, I smile through my tears.

Our birth children have also grown tremendously,

They have a passion for the orphan,

THey know they are priviledged and now look for opportunities to share,

They love Cav & Fei and rejoice in their acheivements.

God is using them in unimaginable ways, AND they are open to him!

And me - 

HE has graced me with new friends - heart friends who don't judge my ineptness, but rejoice in my steps. (THANK YOU!)

Oh how I have grown ( and still have so much more to do)

When I look at the before pictures of our children - at their lostness, I see my heart 

BUT, I also see my growth in their smiles and confidence, not because we caused the transformation, but because I SEE everyday that God will redeem the least of these and that includes me.

Turtle Pace

Between being gone
and Daddy being home
and
you know my focus on paperwork before that
and being neurotic for the last few months

and then the in your face realization ~
(or my friend Mary reminding me LOL!)

I HAVE SIX KIDS
(and those of you with more just shake your head due to my patheticness)

Anyhow, I walked into my house which looked like a tornado hit it

You know INSIDE!!

Of course we have only been home 4.5 days - which have been busy

BUT I gotta get this place in order
BEFORE I can really decorate for Christmas
and I dunno but
CHRISTMAS is coming!

Lets jsut say STRESS - especially when I had a snuggle bug today who wanted jsut to be cuddled.

So as with all things adoption
I realized that I wasn't going to be able to do all this
and you know feed the kids.

So I decided that slow and steady would be my current focus.

Genesis 33:14
So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the flocks and herds before me and the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.

and you know it's ok, I can stand there staring at how nice and clean it looks and then turn around to the chaos LOL!

Ok, it doesn't even look that clean LOL!

AND jsut encase you just adopted a little 

I found this perfect shirt at Wally world

cuz you know 3 days of leftover popeyes chicken has my kids revolting!

It was only $3.25 and in the baby section up to 24 mos I think!

Home & kids

Heehee yep, we forgot to post about our trip home but we arrived safe and sound on Saturday afternoon.  The kids had their last performance of their play at church so only daddy and Cav were there to meet us but it was perfect.  In fact a very old friend happened to be in the airport who I haven't seen in years.  It was perfect.

BUT I digress cuz I know you want to know how the flights were.

LONG - Cathay is as much of a cattle car as Delta was last time - so if you are traveling, I wouldn't spend any extra for a different airline - go with what is the cheapest and best schedule.

We flew from Guangzhou to Hong Kong this time (instead of bus etc.)  I don't think there is a fast easy solution to getting out of GZ but I felt this was better than the bus, different hotel room we did last time.

I swear we went through security about 8 times that day if not more.  So do NOT go buying drinks for the trip in GZ like we did - or you know take the waters so generously offered on the flight from GZ to HK cuz you too will be doing this!

 However, there is a seperate security for those doing a transfer in HK so look to the side as you are walking of you plane and head down the hall.  We made the mistake of going to the bathroom first and then had to stand in a longer line but it still wasn't bad.

LOVE HK airport.  Free wifi, plenty of good food and shopping.  We had 3 hours there which flew by after facetiming the kids and eating.

From Hong Kong we flew to San Francisco.  Let's jsut say we sat in the toddler section - and Griffen was the only adopted child in that section LOL!  We had terrible terbulance and there many long hours I sat in my seat with my head hanging over the nice little baggies the airlines provide.  I know you don't care about me.

Ok so in our toddler section of 2 rows we had a 

BARFER (not me thankfully but it didn't help my situations)

A SCREAMER!

and a sleeper.

Wanna guess which was mine!

Yep, our prince was the sleeper!

He watched Bolt (in English)

At dinner

got all snuggled in with a bottle

a little Melatonin

and periodic doses of the no-jet-lag tabs (I swear by them)

and he slept 13 of the 16 hours (I know I hate people like me too but thank the Lord, as I couldn't hold down my stomach and have cared for him too.)

San Francisco was awesome - we luckily asked which immigration line to go into (while standing in the huge US citizen line) and were sent to the NEW IMMIGRANT on which had one other family (who were really new immigrants)

The man was so incredibly nice.

Then we had to wait for all our bags (glad we had another 3 hr connection as there were 1000 bags they said)

Handed over our customs forms and headed for our last plane

(um don't take pics in the customs area LOL!)

Got of the plane and our little man went right to his daddy with a giggle and a grin!

LOVE this picture of them!!  

Mind you neither speaks the same language heehee!

Passed out on the 1 1/2 hr trip home and woke up to lots of fun decorations!

Heehee my husband had nicknamed Tao - the 2 foot tomato so he had morgan and my poor Aunt cut out green leaves to decorate the chinese lanterns into tomato's heehee!

My Aunt flew out from St Louis to help with the kids for the last part of our trip and she truly was the calvary!  She baked with Morgan, taught her to cross stitch, got the kids ready and took them to their play (including make up and hair LOL!) and a thousand other things!  Truly a blessing and an answer to so many prayers!

The kids were all so enamoured by Tao and bless his little heart he did great.  I am pretty sure I would have been scared LOL!  I don't think his feet hit the ground again until Monday when they went to school!  He 

LOVE this pic of our family!~

Sunday afternoon we had an impromptu get together with my brother and his family.  Our kids love their cousin!  And we were blessed with warm enough weather that we decided to head outside for lunch!  

Griffen did not miss a beat!  Truly this kid is an answer to so many prayers!

While the kids played outside, my husband and brother went inside to install a tiny stair railing for Tao 

These are the little things I love about my husband.  The baby fell down the stairs Sunday morning and he noticed that it was the only place in the house where we don't have the banister poles for Tao to hold onto.  He really is amazing in creating the few adaptations our kids need to live a "normal" life.

SLEEP -

Griffen is sleeping in our room.  The first two nights he would wake up crying (this baby goes from calm to hysterical in 5 seconds).  We do give him the tiny doses of Melatonin before bed, and a bottle.

Last night he went right to sleep and slept all night.

KIDS -

Our three bio kids have welcomed him into their family with the love and excitement that we have come to see from them.  When you think of it, truly it makes me proud of them, as well as so many of the other kids in the adoption community.  Opening up their hearts, their homes and their toys to a stranger to love forever.  The worst thing has been breaking up a fight over who gets to help with him or hold him.  We are also very aware of what we say and do so as not to start out with bad habits we need to break later.

FeiFei - that poor baby bawled when I walked int he door.  I think she held it in while I was gone but her past creeped in.  Hugs and cuddles and reminding her that we are a family, and that means we always come home (our mantra).  I think that this actually was a defining point for her in realizing this and that we love her so very much.  She has been her same happy self.  An interesting dynamic - once the big kids went to school on Monday she then stepped up and really took over playing with and caring for the baby.  He adores her!!

Cav - he had the most issues while I was gone.  I truly can say that he actually had less issues than we expected.  However, we (as in I) worked very hard to ensure that he was left with people who he can't manipulate.  There are always people in his environment that he can, but the main caretakers were very good at setting boundaries.  Truth be told, daddy was who I was worried about the most, but even he caught on after a few days.  That being said Cav's sensory issues have really showed.  We have 3 appts in about 10 days with our fabulous PT who will help get him back.  

    As far as Griffen and Cav, this is my heartbreak (again).  Although ideally we probably should have waited for several more years before adopting again I truly don't think it would have made a difference with Cav.  And beside ~ you know the whole God thing, the greater good was to get that baby of ours home.  The heartbreaking part of Cav and Griffen is once again we see where Cav has no idea how to play with another child.  So we have become very cognitive of helping guide him through appropriate ways to play with the baby, to relate with him etc.  I jumped for joy yesterday when Cav actually sat with Griffen and they were able to play blocks together.  Luckily, griffen is so easy it allows me the time and energy to continue with Cav.  

   Lastly,  I truly believe that having Griffen will ultimately be the best thing for Cav.  His younger brother will push him to atleast stay up to par as far as developmentally  and emotionally (there is a 2 year and 1 day age difference).  I am prepared that Griffen my surpass Cav at some point in these areas and we will deal with them when it happens.  The journey through China again helped me to process many of the things from last year.  I am not sure if Cav will always want to remain on the outer fringes of our family (where I think he feels the most comfortable).  But you know somewhere in China I realized I am ok with this.  It's heard to verbalize, but forcing the kid to be lovey dovey exuberent jsut might not be the best use of our energy.  My goal with him is to make sure he is a productive member of society and to know his family loves him fiercely, in fact we love him as he is (and that is huge).

Pure Joy

8 months.

Although we know it takes 9 months to create a baby,

We had no idea it would take about the same time to heal a heart, and free a soul

Can you feel his peace, 

his happiness, 

this boy of ours who feared the outside, 

and screamed at the plants,

ok he jsut screamed,

and cried,

and hit.

Yep, this pretty much summed up our time in China

 (doesn't he look like such a baby here and I don't mean cry baby LOL!).

Now he is a brother,

A son,

A friend,

He is nourished,

strong,

healthy,

confident,

He is loved!

And we can't forget our gorgeous princess!