Mastering the past

The further along our adoption journey the more I realize that I have NOT . A . CLUE!!  Thankfully, the internet has opened up a whole new world for us.  When I was going to get my Master's degree, I learned that the secret was not what I knew but knowing where to find the answer.  I have found adoption to be very similar to this.  I thought I knew a lot about raising kids, I have 3 the oldest being 13.  I have a child with special needs, as a nurse I cared for more babies and kids then I could even count, I even taught maternal child classes.

People, I do NOT have a clue!!

This adoption has turned my confidence upside down.  Don't get me wrong, this is NOT a post about how terrible things are, because quite frankly they are going pretty good.  THis is about me, about my belief that I had my sh~t stuff together!

What has brought on this post?

THIS!!

Do you know what it is?

My youngest will be 4 in May?

Why would I have to drag this out of the storage room?

Do you see the teardrops along the side?

Because frankly that is how I feel ~

Do you see those incredibly sweet, dark eyes?

Almost 3 years later THESE eyes now look back at me every night

Every night when I give him THIS ~

Yep, against everything I KNOW!

Cav, saw a bottle AND freaked 

Not a bad freak but such a craving freak.

Like when us Moms . . ok ME . . has a bad afternoon and NEED chocolate.

That was the look on his face when he saw a BOTTLE!

It was heartbreakingly sad.

 So against everything I had ever learned, I searched on RQ to see what other moms said and some very wise women said it might be good for bonding.  I went and found the oldest formula I could find (heehee and read the directions since we never used formula at my house and in the hospital it comes premixed LOL!)

He gets a bottle before bed, I hold him like a baby .  .  .  ok a very large baby, and talk to him so he will look in my eyes.  At first he desperately drank at the bottle.  Again with the heartbreak.  You could just tell that he never grew out of the bottle it just disappeared one day.  Now he'll drink what he wants and we leave the rest.

He still doesn't know how to actually hug,
He wipes off my kisses . . every single time!
But we have a special time,
and a very small part of me feels like I am fulfilling a need from long ago.

Bath time

I think I have mentioned that we live in Colorado. Well, the severe lack of humidity is playing a number on poor cavanaugh's skin. I am not sure if he is prone to eczema or it is the humidity and food changes. I guess time will tell. Today we went shopping and as the day progressed I noticed his black hair turning greyer & greyer from the little white flakes. Tonight I tried a 2 in 1 baby shampoo but suggestions wold be great. We lotioned up after his bath. The bottom part of his leg that drags is just bright red & chafed. BUT I love bath time and it is proving to help with bonding. He is actually happy and we seem to be able to reach the little boy inside we so want to love. Bubbles, warm water and a washrag!

Oh and bad time for the dishwasher to die so prayers we can get a new one in a reasonable amount of time!

Walking pneumonia & GI

I have either been in bed or at the hospital since christmas. So not what we needed right now but atleast today I am not as delirious as the past few. Atleast it isn't the Asian Flu which I feared at one point. That would have been good. My dear husband had to take off even more time from work and thankfully my mom is also here to help. Both now look like tired housewives.

We haven't let the kids in really to see me for fear they would catch the GI bug - so not sure how badly this is affecting the process. Little man is a momma's boy so he is having a rough time but if his 27 lb self got this sick it would do him in. Hopefully with a second antibiotic on top of the Zithromax I will be feeling better today.

Prayers all around please, I planned for everything but this.