Petrified

First and foremost, and although I eluded to it, I did NOT mention how absolutely TERRIFIED I was to bring an 11 year old boy home.  We have so many struggles with Cav that I could NOT in my wildest imagination think about adding to that stress.  We were ultimately obedient to GOD but now I realize the whole time I was holding my breath, not even really looking forward to the next step in the process simply because it meant we were getting closer to D-Day (coined that in every sense of the negative image it brings up.)

Of course I am ashamed to admit it now.  We were faithful but not really joyous and definitely NOT trusting in God's plan that He cares about us - ME - as much as He cares about these kids.  It's with tears that I write these words now.  It is with tears that I think about this boy who so many passed over  in the SIX years he was available for adoption.  Because adopting an older boy from an orphanage only situation has to singly be one of the best things we have ever done PERIOD.

That doesn't take away from our other adoptions, that doesn't take away from our bio kids in the least - they are ALL treasures.  But Dawson - it's almost indescribable (I know really helpful to say on a blog LOL!)

I don't know if it was the months of fear,
I don't know if it was because we thought of turning away so many times,
I don't know if it is because he only had 2 1/2 more years before he turned 14
and became unadoptable,
forever lost, without a name, a family, a connection.
I don't know if it is how he embraces each new thing,
How he rolls the word mama around in his mouth,
trying it out, practicing it,
adding it a little to late to the few words he knows.

It's probably a combination of all these,
plus the bravery this child has shown in changing everything he has ever known,
and still wakes with a smile.
Playing silly word games with his new brothers Ha-zhu (baby)
back and forth until I want to poke my eyes out.
Trying new foods,
learning table manners,
taking on the chore of sweeping the kitchen
and starting at his brand new school.

Our communication is lacking,
words only spoken through a translator,
but still he lets us tousle his hair,
rub his back,
and smiles, oh the smiles.

This isn't a unicorn and rainbows story, I know we will have our struggles.  This is more of a story of redemption - of MY growth, of learning God loves me as much as my kids.  That God knows the plans he had for Dawson AND for our family.  Of the pit in my stomach to think of wanting to turn back,  - away - because I thought that would be easier.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.